What rhymes with Sheezus?

                                                                   That's me as a Sheezus, by the way.

After being distracted by the clusterfuck of wrong that is Avril Lavigne's new musical offering, I finally got around to watching Lily Allen's Sheezus. You know, that Sheezus thing that she's been banging on about for the last month?

The video starts with a parental advisory notice, so you know that things are about to get pretty fucking edgy. Except it's Lily Allen, so they're about to get as edgy as prom dresses paired with trainers.

I'm not going to pick through the lyrics and attach a comment to each line, I think that would make for a tedious read (as opposed to the non-stop thrill ride that you're about to embark on) but I will pick out a couple of lines that made me LOL (HAHA rhymes with Gaga now, apparently).
Yes, you've guessed it, they were the period lines. These lines-

Periods, we all get periods
Every month, that’s what the theory is
It’s human nature, another cycle
Be nice to me, I’ll make you one of my disciples 

Thank fuck, finally someone is talking about periods.

Don't know if you've ever been around girls, Lily, but we can talk about periods. We have no problemo talking about the old periodos. Really.

There is no theory about periods, is there? I thought it was just a biological fact. There's no conspiracy, there's nothing the government isn't telling us; women have periods and if they don't then there's a reason. You're not selected by a specially trained bunch of professionals to receive periods.

I sort of feel like she's relying on the period lines to make this song more feminist, but they don't. Having periods is not a feminist issue. The way that women are depicted and represented in relation to periods is one of those, a feminist issue.
By the way, the period song crown will always belong to Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love, sorry Lils.
Apart from, given the context of the previous lyrics, sounding like you're going to be involved in some weird, gross blood ritual, the disciple thing is bugging me too. What's with the current bow down, stepson, disciple thing? Why has everyone got to be on top and own people and stuff? Can't we all just be buds?

After watching the video a few times, I'm mainly just confused about the whole thing.
Is she saying that all the girls are all sticking together and they're all Sheezuseseses? Or that they're fighting each other for the Sheezus crown? A crown that I'm assuming, if we're going with the Jesus analogy, is made of thorns, so I'll pass, FYI.
Also, I'm pretty sure that there's only supposed to be one Jesus, isn't there? I know, I know, logically there are loads of Jesuseseses (Jesi?) around (I mean, Madonna went out with one), but spiritually there's just one right? Even Yeezus says that Jesus is the most high and he, Yeezus, is a close high, so surely that means that Lily isn't saying that all ladies can be Sheezus? And if that is the case, then she's saying that she is the most high and I thought feminism was supposed to be about equality and- oh, am I ruining the message by thinking about it to much?

Maybe I'm missing the point. It's a possibility. In fact, according to her last one, not the one about air balloons or girls getting pissed, the other one, if I can't detect the sarcasm then I've misunderstood. Well I can't detect the sarcasm so maybe I have misunderstood, Lily.

I mean, things with an obvious point are rubbish, aren't they? I prefer having to really work to find a point to things, really get stuck in amongst the day-glo and clip-on fringes and search for a point.

I'm very wary of giving the impression that I think that Lily is doing feminism 'wrong', because I hate it when people say that, or super intellectual words to that effect. I'm not sure anyone can do feminism wrong (apart from when it's a calculated ploy to sell records dressed up as feminism), for me it's a win win. If someone does some feminism and everyone loves it then “Yay girls!” and if someone does some feminism and people don't like it then cue debate and valuable discussion. Hopefully.
So, she's not doing feminism 'wrong', she's just doing it 'a bit', which is fine, but she kinda made it seem like she'd be doing it 'a lot'.

And I think that's the real problem.
If she's just trying to make fun, 'cheeky' pop songs about her puppet brother or unsatisfactory lovers then that's fine, please continue. I will ignore it.
But she's not trying to do that, is she? Lily's made a whole thing out of everything, she's trying to say something. It's a bit like when someone says “Guys” enough times to sufficiently quieten a bunch of people, in order to tell a story and then when they tell the story, the story is a bit shit. “Guys...guys...guys. The other week, me and Darren were in Nandos and he went to give the girl his Nandos card, but it wasn't his Nando's card, it was his Starbucks card!”

For me, Sheezus is that story.

Overall, I feel like Lily is just standing in front of a big whiteboard, in front of her team, ticking off 'Modern Issues'. Next is trolling. No, I'm serious, she has a song called URL Badman. And as for this one, well this has ticked off...periods? No...pop stars? Hang on, I'm gonna get this...