It hasn't exactly been a slow news week, but it seems that the story that's really captured the attention of the British public is the news that SUBWAY REMOVE HAM AND BACON FROM STORES BECAUSE THEY LOVE MUSLIM PEOPLE MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.
Except, that's not the news. The actual news is that Subway will be switching pork products to halal turkey ham and bacon in 185 stores across the UK & Ireland. Have these 185 stores been chosen at random, by a Subway HQ game of slightly pissed darts? Or possibly just to target you and make it more difficult for you to take in a week's worth of salt in twenty minutes?
No. These 185 stores have been selected as they are in areas in which the demand for halal meat is high and the demand for pork is low. Now, anyone who works in a remotely businessy customery environment (can you tell that I do?)will know that there will have been a lot of Excel spreadsheets to back this up. A lot. So, essentially, Subway have just made a decision based on customer demands, but have made the colossal mistake of announcing it like it's a thing.
You'll still be able to get a BLT, but it will be made with turkey bacon, which means that you won't even taste the difference, as every mouthful will be full of watery tomato, damp bead and vinegary dressing- JUST LIKE EVERY SANDWICH SERVED AT SUBWAY EVER.
Except, that's not the news. The actual news is that Subway will be switching pork products to halal turkey ham and bacon in 185 stores across the UK & Ireland. Have these 185 stores been chosen at random, by a Subway HQ game of slightly pissed darts? Or possibly just to target you and make it more difficult for you to take in a week's worth of salt in twenty minutes?
No. These 185 stores have been selected as they are in areas in which the demand for halal meat is high and the demand for pork is low. Now, anyone who works in a remotely businessy customery environment (can you tell that I do?)will know that there will have been a lot of Excel spreadsheets to back this up. A lot. So, essentially, Subway have just made a decision based on customer demands, but have made the colossal mistake of announcing it like it's a thing.
You'll still be able to get a BLT, but it will be made with turkey bacon, which means that you won't even taste the difference, as every mouthful will be full of watery tomato, damp bead and vinegary dressing- JUST LIKE EVERY SANDWICH SERVED AT SUBWAY EVER.
And in case you're not sure which Subway sandwiches are affected by The Rules, the Daily Mail have knocked up this handy cut out and keep guide so that you can check before you order and end up eating turkey bacon like a fackin' woofter.
Yes, there is the whole halal animal cruelty debate but I'm not nearly clued up enough on it to want to write about it. The Daily Mail had a good stab at it though (they stunned the issue first though, because that's the kind thing to do) and end up using the words stunned and slaughtered so much that you begin to forget what those words even mean, they're just sounds. Grim sounds.
I couldn't resist scrolling through a few pages of DM comments; I was having a pretty good day and wanted to feel simultaneously angry and bleak. Here are some of my favourites. Or least favourites. Whatever.
Rasputin, Lichfield, 4 hours ago
I couldn't resist scrolling through a few pages of DM comments; I was having a pretty good day and wanted to feel simultaneously angry and bleak. Here are some of my favourites. Or least favourites. Whatever.
Rasputin, Lichfield, 4 hours ago
I used to like Subway as an occasional treat. Now I'd rather eat in a maggot infested trucker cafe from hell!
“Are you off out for lunch?”
“Yeah”
“Ooof, where you going?”
“A maggot infested trucker cafe from hell. Want anything bringing back?”
“Are you off out for lunch?”
“Yeah”
“Ooof, where you going?”
“A maggot infested trucker cafe from hell. Want anything bringing back?”
So where does that leave the newest advert for the "smoked bacon sub and a drink" offer??
Fuck animal welfare, THESE are the questions that we want answering, Subway.
Fuck animal welfare, THESE are the questions that we want answering, Subway.
topper, middletown ny, United States, 5 hours ago
THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN AMERICA, WE DONT BOW DOWN TO ANY RELIGIOUS GROUP. WE WILL NEVER LET ANY RELIGIOUS GROUP TO DICTATE WHAT IS SERVED IN OUR FOOD STORES.
NO, BUT YOU DO LET A RELIGIOUS GROUP GOVERN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE.
THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN AMERICA, WE DONT BOW DOWN TO ANY RELIGIOUS GROUP. WE WILL NEVER LET ANY RELIGIOUS GROUP TO DICTATE WHAT IS SERVED IN OUR FOOD STORES.
NO, BUT YOU DO LET A RELIGIOUS GROUP GOVERN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING FUCKING ELSE.
I wish I ate the rubbish - just so I could boycott it - Religion the cause of more wars than any other reason
“And, class, who can tell me what started World War Three?”
“Er, it was a Chicken and Bacon Ranch Melt on Hearty Italian, wasn't it sir?”
D-1st-John_Doe, London, United Kingdom, 5 hours ago
This time next year, Soup Dragon will be commenting from his brand new conservatory...
Andy, Melbourne, Australia, 5 hours ago
Let's bow our heads.
The overriding message from the DM comments and the various Facebook protest pages that have popped up seems to be that Subway are at risk of losing a lot of money that's never been spent at Subway anyway, so I'm sure they're really shitting themselves.
Also, no one's gonna boycott Subway really, are they? Because, when it comes down to it, no one can deny themselves, and their mates, the 6-inch/foot long joke, can they?
The overriding message from the DM comments and the various Facebook protest pages that have popped up seems to be that Subway are at risk of losing a lot of money that's never been spent at Subway anyway, so I'm sure they're really shitting themselves.
Also, no one's gonna boycott Subway really, are they? Because, when it comes down to it, no one can deny themselves, and their mates, the 6-inch/foot long joke, can they?
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ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing it. Black magic to get love
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