Correct Sext-iquette.

In the last week we've seen both Twitter and Instagram announce new features that will allow us to send images directly, and privately, to other users. Now, given their history it's no surprise that these two have engaged in some sort of tit-for-tat one-up game, however I did find the implication that we needed these features in the first place quite surprising; isn't that what Whatsapp's for?
I racked my brain long and hard thinking of how these latest changes would benefit us.
I came up with only one reason.
FLIPPANTLY SENT NAKED PICTURES.
For the purpose of this post we shall refer to these types of pictures as 'sexts'; I am aware that 'sexts' are traditionally text based but, ya know, the title?

Maybe my conclusion that the only images that can be exchanged privately can be of the naked variety says more about me as a person than I would like it to, but honestly, what else would you use it for?
Much like the non-textual act itself, sexting consists of a complicated set of rules and rituals. Poor judgement regarding timing, positioning and lighting can all serve to ruin your hard work. You've favourited tweets, you've liked photos of their dog to prove that you don't just see them as a piece of meat and really are interested in their life; it's time to reap the rewards.

Here are my top five tips for successful sexting-

1. Don't go in too early-
Guys in particular, you have one card to play in the sexting game. Play it too early and you'll receive a diplomatic response that was typed whilst the recipient held their other thumb over said picture so that they could avoid looking directly at it.
How do you know when the time is right? If your flirting has been reduced to increasingly strained and thinly-veiled euphemisms then hit send.

2. Filter is your friend-
If filters can make even the most banal and unappetising of meals look inviting then the same goes for genitals. The right filter can neutralise angry pink tones and make things look altogether more tasteful. Ones to avoid? Anything with too much contrast; you're not in The Wizard of Oz, grey scale; this ain't a perfume ad and sepia; this ain't The Others.

3. Be aware of your surroundings-
Decide where you're going to take the snap and tidy the area. Get rid of depressing, mood-killing items such as pizza boxes, DVD's that are out of their cases, tabloids, an over-flowing bin etc.

4. Be aware of their surroundings-
Girls, if a guy is “chilling with the boys” then refrain from hitting send. Someone other than the intended will definitely see it. If you were having a good day and have already taken the picture then save it for another night (no one sexts in the day, right?) when you've been bare-faced and top-knotted since 6pm and have no intention of changing.

5. Let it go-
When you press send you're releasing that picture into the world like a dirty dove. It's never coming back; it's out there now, free to fulfil it's destiny. Chances are, someone's gonna see that dove. They might exclaim “Ah, what a pretty dove!” or they might confuse it with a pigeon, but you'll never know. And honestly, does it really matter? The only time that picture is coming back to haunt you is if you make it to boot-camp on The X Factor, and if this is the case then I suggest you've already got much more significant problems than a badly lit, pixelated picture of your bits being featured in The Sun.


So, it's time to find your most flattering angle and practice your nonchalant, 'this-is-just-how-I-look' face. Ya know, if you want to. But Twitter and Instagram are basically asking you to.

How Not To Use Social Media; The James Arthur Story

Whether you've just started up your own business selling novelty cupcakes or you're an international supermarket brand that buys every spare piece of land in the country in order to build lots of mini supermarkets, social media is now an essential marketing tool. Twitter in particular can add a voice to your brand, adding personality and appeal.
Now, this shouldn't be too difficult if 1)your brand is a person and 2)you are that person. However, this proved a little tricky for 2000-and-no-one-cares X Factor winner James Arthur, who last week handed over/was rugby tackled to the ground for control of his Twitter account to his management team after a series of faux pas'.

Let us now analyse all of these social media mishaps in order to avoid falling into the same pitfalls ourselves. Or, to just laugh at him.

1. Don't abuse the RT
It's nice to get compliments. Who can deny the spring in their step after someone says “Ooh, you look nice today”? Or the grin that spreads across their face when someone describes the meal you just made as “really nice”? Now imagine how much of a dick you'd look if you then wrote a send-to-all text that looked like this “Sarah said I looked nice today” and then four hours later followed it up with another that said “Mum said my soup was really nice”.
This is essentially what retweeting compliments is. It's also the kind of annoying shit that your news feed will be flooded with if you follow James Arthur. Whilst I'm sure he is very excited about the release of his debut, and most likely final, album he seems totally unaware of the fact that 15 year olds would call a dishwasher inspirational if it got them a retweet.
Also, if you're reading this James, retweeting the horny tweets of underages girls is kinda gross. I'm not expecting you to do anything as meaningful as saying “Hey girls, I really appreciate the support but I'm not going to retweet your comments because by doing so I will in fact be validating them and giving you the impression that offering yourselves sexually is the only way to get noticed and ladies, you're much better than that”, but next time maybe just, ya know, ignore them?
Retweeting should be reserved for dry tweets, hilarious pictures and giveaways, but only if the prize is really REALLY good.

2.Don't pick a fight you know you can win
Out there in 'real life', where there is grass and fresh air and stuff, arguing with a child when you're an adult is pretty embarrassing. Well, there's no Twitter loophole; it's still embarrassing. Calling teenage girls “sad and pathetic” for questioning your claims that your album was self-penned is...sad and pathetic.
Unless you're arguing about feminism, homophobia, racism, politics or exchanging furiously typed tweets with the customer services profile for an online retailer then it's best to just leave it, yeah?

3.Don't pick a fight that you definitely can't win

It's an undeniable fact of life that there are people that are cleverer than you. You probably follow some of them on Twitter. They might occasionally tweet something that you think is 'not cool', but in these situations I find it best to keep schtum. Not necessarily because your argument is any less valid then theirs, but because they most likely have the wit and vocabulary to publicly annihilate you.
Case and point- James Arthur vs Frankie Boyle.
Whilst some of the things that Frankie Boyle says make me pull a weird face in which the corners of my mouth turn down and I suck in air through my teeth, the suspiciously-curly-eyelashed X Factor winner was asking for 140 characters of shit the second he used the phrase “fucking queer” in a particularly cringe worthy rap battle with Micky Worthless (?).
I won't relay the whole argument as that would be tedious (as opposed to the rest of the post, RIGHT?), but a highlight for me was Boyle saying that he'd confused James Arthur's photo with a child's drawing of a monster. The feud climaxed with Arthur telling us all that he was “coming off Twitter for good”; the social media equivalent of flouncing off in a strop.
As I was scanning through the tweets between the two, I could think of only one thing, a quote by Simon Amstell from the Never Mind The Buzzcocks episode with Donny Tourette in it- “He's a professional comedian, you can't win.”

4.Don't forget about the 'draft' function
I am a big believer in drafting things out. I would gasp in horror when, during my GCSE's, boys would tell me that they hadn't written a plan for their coursework. Believe it or not, this post was drafted. If I'd have publicly rapped a homophobic slur then you betcha, I would draft my public apology before dividing it up into 140 character segments and releasing it like a dove.
Unfortunately, James Arthur did not.
Following the news that some fans were asking iTunes for a refund after buying his album and then hearing him use “fucking queer” as an insult in a rap battle, Arthur tweeted that “homophobia is not something that [he] believes in” and that he was “disappointed in [himself] for being so naïve and deeply sorry to any gay or lesbian people out there.”
Now, if James had just saved that tweet as a draft and said to someone “Would you mind reading this? Just want to check that I don't sound like a dick” then that someone would have hopefully said this- “Actually James, you do sound kinda dickish. Firstly, you've confused homophobia with Santa. You've suggested that you were naïve for saying “fucking queer” in an open forum, rather than saying that you were ignorant for saying it in the first place. Also, heterosexual people can find homophobia to be offensive, so I'd probs just change that last bit to 'anyone I've offended'”
He then rounded his apology off by saying “Plus Rylan is one of my best mates and he's as gay as they come.” Nothing like the old 'some-of-my-best-friends-are-black' defence to really validate an apology.

5. Don't say stupid fucking stuff like this
“I actually was a child in need though...Were you?” on the night of Children In Need.

And there we have it folks! Five tips for avoiding ending up with 'acute exhaustion' like James Arthur. I think it's fitting to sign out with James Arthur's final tweet-
 #LOVE to my fans but I'm coming off Twitter for good. HQ will be doing all my tweets from now on. PEACE!
Nothing says peace like capital letters and an exclamation mark.

Tinder Surprise

“Tinder is a social discovery app that helps you meet new people. Tinder finds out who likes you near by and connects you with them if you are both interested, whether it's for dating, friendship or networking.”

Now, I'm not sure who wrote the Wikipedia description of Tinder, but I suspect that they still believe that the “smallest electric toothbrush” that keeps advertising really is used to maintain dental hygiene, as I highly doubt anyone is mindlessly scrolling through the Facebook pictures of locals in order to source business leads.
If Tinder is news to you then allow me to explain; you download the app, sync it with your Facebook profile, allowing it access to your location and profile pictures. It then searches for Tinder users in your local area and puts them into a little pile for you to sort through at your leisure. Swipe right to LIKE someone (insert a predictable and tedious Mr Right joke here) and swipe left to stamp NOPE across their face. If you've both right-swiped each other then congratulations, you've matched! You will now be allowed to talk and...network.

It was my own morbid curiosity that led me to download Tinder. Whilst I had no intention of meeting up with a match for casual sex, I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Also, I gave into the nagging, suppressed part of my psyche that is constantly curious to know what other people think of me; the part that would lead me to stage a Ross Gellar style fake death in order to know what others would say about me. In short, I wanted to know if people would fancy me, ok?
I'd like to think of it as investigative journalism, but in reality it was me killing time whilst desperately sourcing freelance projects, swiping through photos of people I fancied when I was sixteen with one and eating mince pies with the other. T'is the season.
Given that I once left-swiped so much that the app actually crashed, I feel I've developed more than a few opinions on how you should and shouldn't market yourself on Tinder.

Tinder is all about judging a book by it's well lit, flatteringly shot, eighteen month old cover, a concept that is unfortunately lost on many users. Now, I'm not talking about people who haven't edited their face into Victoria's Secret/David Gandy oblivion, I'm talking about people like this guy-

Now is not the time to get experimental. The photo that's shot from behind as you look wistfully out to sea, the photo of you wearing your new ski mask on the lifts, the selfie you snapped to show off your skill at applying Halloween prosthetics; these could all result in a left-swipe.
If the only flattering photo you can find is one that was snapped by a 'photographer' at a student club night then that's fine, but for gods sake take the time to crop your friends off. Group photos don't work on Tinder and will lead to a self esteem crushing radio silence when you tell your match which one you are.
Also, guys who are posing with babies, children and animals; I see what you're doing and I ain't biting.

All this being said, don't underestimate the power of words; especially their ability to make someone fancy you (a truth that I have been trying to exploit for the last 7 years). You can post the triple threat photo combination of close up, formal wear and beach wear but it don't mean a thing if your bio box is blank. Your BBM pin doesn't count.
I'm not denying the difficulty of writing a 'bio', but if anyone can manage it then the Myspace generation can! If you're suffering from writers block then go for a humorous quote from a film or TV show (not Anchorman, it's been done. To death). If your match doesn't get the reference then they will hopefully think that you're being witty and irreverent, and if they do get it then at least you'll have something to talk about as they sheepishly scramble about trying to collect their clothes before they leave.
Try to keep it light, no one on Tinder is swiping through faces in order to find a quote that will inspire them to finally start their own business; they want to know how big your thigh gap is (I tried to think of the male equivalent for this but it turns out there isn't; we'll save that for another post). However, don't keep it so light that you type anything that resembles this-

If you manage to successfully navigate this giant game of snap and strike a match then congratulations, you've just done a Tinder! 

So, what happens next?
Turns out, not a whole lot. According to statistics only 1 in 5 Tinder users actually meet one of their matches in person, compared to 66% of people who meet using other online dating apps.
As bizarre as it sounds, I think that those figures are due to the fact that Tinder was quickly referred to as “the straight version of Grindr”; it's essentially a hook-up app, and the problem the with hook-up apps is that everyone using them is assumed to be, you know, DTF, but this just isn't always the case.
Whilst there are those who know what they want and when they want it (more power to ya!), the remaining 4/5s probably hit download due to vanity, boredom, curiosity or an urban myth of a guy who right-swiped a plain looking girl only to discover upon meeting her that she was a dead ringer for Miranda Kerr and the proceeded to go back to her penthouse apartment and have an orgy with her and her hot friends. This means that 80% of the faces you've swiped through aren't truly committed to the cause and that when faced with the choice between tarting themselves up and heading out into the November chill to meet a stranger for the possibility of anti-climactic sex or staying in to watch Gogglebox, they'll probably plump for the latter.

Ultimately, although described as a hook-up app, Tinder allows for one thing that the majority of actual one night stands don't; rational thought.
The two bottles of wine, the agony of seeing the holiday pictures of your ex and their new significant other pop up on Facebook earlier, the underlying chemistry you have with that guy who gave you a pen in a lecture 6 months ago, the fact that yesterday you realised that you have fat knees and need validating, missing the last tube; they're all missing on Tinder, and call me a traditionalist, but receiving a message asking whether you “fancy a bang” at 11:42am when you're sitting at your desk frantically trying to repair a spreadsheet that you didn't save properly yesterday just isn't the same.

My two cents on...Hard Out Here.

I once hated Lily Allen. I didn't buy Elle because she was on the cover, I refused to watch her TV show (remember that?) and she did not make it onto my iPod.
Was it because she wore trainers with ball-gowns? No.
Was it because she was always slagging people off in the press? No.
It was because my boyfriend at the time fancied her.
Thankfully, I have matured a little since 2008 and no longer draw moustaches and zits onto the faces of the women that my boyfriends fancy (and no, it's not because I don't have a boyfriend, thank you), meaning that I am able to evaluate Lily's comeback with some objectivity, I think.
With Hard Out Here, Lily has kind of, a bit, offered up an alternative to the ignorant little ditties that the media have previously held up as empowering feminist anthems (We Run The World, I'm looking at you), even though their message often seems to be something along the lines of 'girlz rool, boyz drool'. The lyrics are a bit of a step up, in particular the lines “We've never had it so good/ yeah we're out of the woods/ and if you can't detect the sarcasm you've misunderstood”, (do song lyrics ever not look 'a bit cringe' when they're written down?) as I often get frustrated with the idea that The Man, and also his wife, have put a big fat tick next to Gender Equality on their To Do List.
Whilst it won't make my playlist, I do find some of the initial comments levelled at Hard Out Here a little disheartening. Annoyingly, one of the first criticisms that I picked up on was that it “over-simplified the issue of feminism a bit.” Well of course it does, it's a fucking pop song. I'm pretty sure that Feed The World ignored the more complicated aspects of third world poverty in favour of a catchy melody and no one seemed too cross about that. Hard Out Here isn't an essay, it's a song. Actually, even if it was an essay it would still probably ignore an important aspect of the feminist movement and thank god, because it's these omissions that provoke people into writing an essay in response and voila; a discussion is born.
Whilst I don't want to dismiss the pop song's ability to successfully tackle 'The Issues', I think that Hard Out Here is more of a vehicle for discussion; I feel better about the whole thing when I see it like that anyway.

Another criticism of Hard Out Here that surfaced not too long after it's release, and has been shrewdly condensed down by the media to 'Is Lily Allen a racist?', was the use of black female backing dancers in the video.
If I'm being completely honest, and not to seem all 'colour blind', but I didn't really notice the race of the dancers when I first watched the video. I just saw it as a parody of an R'n'B video and so with that in my mind, nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Perhaps that was the intention or perhaps it was my own ignorance, I'm not too sure.
Since reading the opinions of those angered by the sexualisation of black women in the video, I've re-watched Hard Out Here many times. I think that these are valid criticisms, but that these criticisms should be directed at those who make 'those' R'n'B videos, as it's these videos that Hard Out Here is copying. Some argued that by copying these videos Lily Allen is only serving to perpetuate the sexualisation of black women, but really the video is showing, without 'doing', the sexualisation of all women. It's not a sexy video, it's a video that's pointing to a wobbling, champagne-covered arse and shouting “THIS is what's pissing me off!” It's recreating an image that people recognise whilst saying why this image is wrong.

Perhaps the most disheartening and frustrating criticisms that I noticed the day after the Hard Out Here release were those that essentially said “THIS ISN'T FEMINISM”, “THIS ISN'T HOW FEMINISM SHOULD BE DONE”, “WRONG!!!” or “SHE'S WEARING MAKE UP, SHE AIN'T A FEMINIST” (*cough*Janet Street-Porter*cough*)
Every time a woman comes out of the walk-in closet and declares “I am a feminist!” whilst throwing her head back and tries to offer her own contribution to the feminist movement, a Real Feminist pops up and pulls down a whiteboard that displays 'Feminism; The Rules' to tell them how it should be done.
It leaves me feeling a little “Oh what's the point?”
It's this immediate finger-waggling telling off that makes it so scary to say “Oh, actually, I kind of have an opinion on this too” meekly from the back of the room. Feminism isn't a grammar school; you don't have to take a test to prove that you've read every feminist essay ever written in order to prove your worth. And for Gods sake, you certainly don't have to be a woman. If women think that you have to have a copy of The Female Eunuch in your bedside drawers before you can express an opinion on feminism then things are going to go pretty quiet very quickly, as let's face it, you have to be in a certain kind of mood to read Greer.

Is Hard Out Here going to win a Grammy? Probs not.
Is it one of THE BEST POP SONGS EVER WRITTEN? Not so much.
It is going to create an on-going, meaningful discussion about feminism and the media's treatment of women in particular? Fingers crossed.
Is it an alright song to have on your radar on a day in which you received an email from your boss saying “No skirt today? :(“? Yes, it is. It really is.

My New Favourite Thing #1- American Horror Story; Coven

My new favourite thing can change daily. One day it might be a new flavour of crisps, the next it could be anything from a new pair of boots, a book or...a different flavour of crisps. However, an obsession that has plagued me for the last four weeks is American Horror Story; Coven.
We're about a third of the way through the third series of the anthology series and if American Horror Story is news to you then get involved now. You can easily binge-watch the last four episodes of Coven on a slow Monday night, or during the day when you're supposed to be sourcing freelance projects...
“But will I need to watch the first two series?”
No, you won't need to, but you will probably want to. As an anthology series, American Horror Story explores a different story each season, allowing your favourite characters to be loved, loathed and lynched only for the actors to be recast and return as shiny new protagonists in the following series.
After chain-watching the first two series a few months back, I awaited the return of the show with excitement but also with apprehension; could American Horror Story withstand the expectation bestowed upon it by the success of its previous series?
In a word, yes.
American Horror Story loses none of it's shock factor, or style, and successfully combines gruesome images of torture and violence with quick witted dialogue, gorgeously composed shots and moving monologues.

The series begins with a collection of the most horrific, stomach-churning scenes I've ever seen, so I'd hold off on grabbing the family-sized bar of Dairy Milk until the first ad break is over with. We begin in New Orleans in the 18th century, at the home of Delphine LaLaurie; a real historical figure (those of you who have ever spent a cheery evening Wikipedia-ing their way through the 'most prolific serial killers' will know what's coming). Played by Kathy Bates, Delphine makes Annie Wilkes look like Mary Berry. We see her smearing the blood of her slaves across her face in a quest for youth and beauty, which seems relatively cuddly after watching her chain up a slave who has been seduced by her daughter and shove a bulls head onto his screaming, pleading face.
Flash forward to present day, three hundred years after the Salem witch trials. The witches who remain are few and far between and in order to avoid impending extinction, a school to teach protection and assimilation to young witches has opened in New Orleans; Miss Rabicheaux's Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies- think Hogwarts decorated by The White Company.
We're introduced to the school through the eyes of Zoe, who unlike Harry Potter didn't learn of her magical powers through an owl-delivered handwritten note, but is given the news when her boyfriend starts bleeding from every orifice the second he puts his penis into her vagina. That's her power. Nifty.
Coinciding with Zoe's arrival at the school is the return of the Supreme, Fiona. No, the Supreme isn't a pizza; think more Grand High Witch, with less of Angelica Huston's pruney face from the Witches adaptation and more sexy stockings, shiny blow-dries and Chanel.
We find out that Fiona is the mother of Cordelia, the headmistress of Miss Rabicheaux's; Fiona favours a more assimilaionist approach to educating the girls, where Fiona is a little more “I'm a witch, bitch, and I'll do whatever I like.”

And, in the interest of avoiding spoilers, that's the jist of it. For those of you thinking that American Horror Story still sounds like the latest teen pop-drama, don't get it twisted.

Firstly, I challenge any female watching not to punch their fists in the air and shout “fuck yeah!” at various intervals. After regularly seeing witches/women who decide not to marry or have children portrayed either as the 'baddies' who are eventually burnt, drowned or beheaded, or as young attractive women who use their power to get a date or one up on the girl that's mean to them at school, it's refreshing to see witches who are a bit more woman than witch; flawed, frightened and angry.
The cast is undoubtedly female led and with the exception of Cordelia's husband and the weirdly-fanciable Kyle, the men that do crop up either meet a very sticky end, echoing the rape and revenge movies of the seventies, or need to be rescued by the women; subverting the narrative of the traditional fairytale.

Speaking of the ladies, let's talk about my new girl crush, Jessica Lange. Whilst I realise the term girl crush is usually applied to whoever is, like, so hot right now; Miranda Kerr, Millie Mackintosh, Olivia Palermo, whoever, for me there is currently no other woman more worthy of our affections than Jessica Lange.
Her portrayal of the vampish Fiona adds some much needed glamour to American Horror Story's third series and regularly leaves me sitting open-mouthed, in mismatched pyjamas and two-day old top knot, covered in cheese-puff dust, exhaling in awe “She is so fucking cool.”
The movie-star entrance given to Lange; the black Louboutin stepping of the car, the shot of her umbrella-obscured face, makes it near impossible to resist digging out my old issues of Shout magazine to research spells and begin peeling apples in order to reveal the initials of my crush all to be declared SUPREME WITCH.

Now don't get me wrong, although I sound like I'm ready to burn my bra at the stake, it's not all about the girls. In fact, executive producer Tim Minear says that “while there is a strong feminist theme that runs throughout the Coven, there are themes of race and themes of oppression.” He goes on to say that the series will focus on the idea of “minority groups going after each other and doing the work of the larger culture.”
Given the opening scenes of Coven's first episode, the theme of race might seem pretty obvious, but often the most overt theme of a show can be overlooked in favour of the underlying. The audacity of the scenes should hammer home to viewers that American Horror Story really is what it says on the tin; it's the horror stories that already exist within the history of America. In its second series American Horror Story dealt with the treatment of homosexuality, and also the mentally ill, within the asylums of the sixties; this series it's the treatment of minorities, in particular racial minorities.

At times it's hard to believe that scenes showing slaves with their eyes and mouths sewn shut come from the same mind that unleashed Glee into the world, however, whether doused in blood or sound-tracked by show tunes, Murphy's scripts really 'get' minorities. At least, to my white, straight mind they do.
I'm really excited to see where this series is going to go. With Broadway superstar Patty Lupone soon to join the cast, Coven is set to attract a wider audience and I'm intrigued to see how it will be perceived.
As for the plot of the show, my big three questions are-
1. Is Zoe going to get a more useful power than killing men with her vagina?
2. Who will be the new Supreme? Will it be me?
3. When the fuck is Delphine LaLaurie going to be chained up and have a pigs head shoved onto her?

As always, let me know if you're watching and what you think; we can be Coven buds!

My Top Awkward-Number of Moments in...Made In Chelsea!

If the week in which the early risers of Twitter (and fellow Daily Mail Sidebar of Shame addicts) have already been confronted (or tackled, GET IT?) with the sight of Spencer Matthews' semi erect penis is not the perfect time to share my favourite Made In Chelsea moments then, honestly, I don't know when is.
So sit back, awkwardly try to appear relaxed about something that you care very much about (Lucy Watson style) and relive my Top Awkward-Number of Made In Chelsea moments with me.

1. “Your mask looks like a knob on your face.”
This is the moment in which Rosie and Amber (remember her? The “jewelry designer?”) gives Francis and Fredericko a right telling off for their treatment of P.A/Bond girl Agne. The boys, determined not to let a woman come between them, agreed that they would both date Agne and in doing so assuming that she lacks the two things that could foil this in genius plan; a memory and free will.
Frances unwisely decides to bite back, declaring Rosie a “gossip vigilante”, making her sound all noble and stuff rather than accurately describing her as the suspiciously flat-haired smug cow that she is. His efforts are in vain and Rosie scoffs back “Your mask looks like you have a knob on your face.”
It did, it really did.

2. Kimberly's Comeuppance
Ah, Kimberly, she was the girl that all the boys wanted to be with and all the girls wanted to be-at. She went for pancakes with Jamie, drinks with Spencer and to Italy with Richard (the creator of that magic bracelet thing). However, her greatest moment came at Jamie's Scottish Reeling party.
After crossing Cheska and Binky with her choice of suitor one too many times, Kimberly is brought face to face with her ex boyfriend Diego (no, he did not swagger in wearing spurs and tipping his hat), who revealed that he was not as much of an ex as Kimberly wanted the male residents of Chelsea to believe.
Why has this made it into my Top Awkward-Number of Made In Chelsea Moments? Kimberly's face. It's the exact face that EVERYONE who has ever unexpectedly bumped into their ex has pulled, some of us more than others...
At this point, Kimberly does what any independent, strong, mature young woman would do in that situation. She strops off, leaving Cheska practically orgasming with delight.

2. G-Day for Gabriella and Ollie
To be honest, any moment featuring Gabriella was toe-curlingly good, even her Proactiv ads that were crow-barred into every ad break for the duration of the third series, because she was so delightfully unaware of herself.
If Gabriella and Ollie's dinner time conversation topics of concealer, false lashes and the scientific art of hair shininess didn't hint that there was trouble in fabulous paradise, Ollie's visible despair at Gabriella crashing his birthday skiing trip really gave the gay-me away.
Well, it did to all of us who aren't Gabriella. Cue an awkward conversation on the rooftop garden at Ollie's flat (why do Chelsea break ups always happen at such suicide-friendly locations? See Moment 6...). “I don't know how I feel...towards guys and girls”, at which point, in you were watching in 3D, Gabriella's eyes leave the screen and press you against the sofa, leaving you damp with tears and eye goo.

4. “He looks like a chubby baker boy.”
Prior to The Slap their was The Sartorial Slap; both courtesy of the gone but not forgotten Millie Mackintosh.
As Chelsea's resident Lothario, I would have expected Spencer to be more well practiced in the correct post-break up etiquette.
Rule #3729- If you've just dumped a girl on a bridge, avoid any outlandish outfits. Her friends will be looking for any opportunity to verbally assassinate you. Blend in guys, blend in.
Pairing a jumper that looks like it's made from an Marks & Spencer's throw with a tan flat cap, Spencer was like a cosy sitting duck.

5. Verbier/ Furby-yeah?
Er, where?
Although the whole series might as well have been set there, no one actually seems to know the exact location of Furby-yeah; the mythical land of cut-out swimsuits, hot tubs and infidelity.
Turns out, it's a ski resort in Switzerland. 
It was in Furby-yeah that we discover that, like pregnant women, Jamie Laing should stay away from hot tubs, as we are still seeing the repercussions of his splashing about in the present series; Phoebe fucking Lettuce.

6. Splouise go splat.
A strong contender for the most awkward break up ever (my own personal experiences not included), rivaled perhaps only by Ziggy and Chanel of Big Brother fame, is the slow, painful demise of Spencer and Louise.
I can only assume that prior to Spencer and Louise's meeting, one of Spencer's pesky friends has grabbed his copy of Breaking Up For Dummies and scrawled words like 'don't' into lines such as “Act respectfully”, as what followed really is a shining example of how not to break up with someone. Especially if you're on a bridge.
Dropping lines like “It's fucking hard to respect you when you allow me to cheat on you” and “You're going to go home after this and cry your fucking eyes out and I hope you do!” Spencer really was asking for the slap that Louise threw at him. Unfortunately, she missed, only for the job to be completed later in the series by Millie.
I have to say, the whole thing would have been much more convincing if Spencer hadn't been grinning like a fucking Cheshire cat throughout.

And there we have it, my Top Awkward-Number of Made In Chelsea Moments. Honorable mentions must go to Gabbalicious, Louise throwing a napkin at Spencer (Why? When there were knives, forks and glasses to hand?), Francis' interns, Millie throwing a drink at Hugo, Millie slapping Spencer and Francis' portrait.
If I'm missing an under-rated Made In Chelsea moment, let me know!

Orange Is The New Black. And hispanic. And lesbian. And trans...

When you are a ‘bit blue’ (re- diagnosed clinical depression) you watch a lot of TV. It doesn’t have to be good TV, you’re only watching it in an attempt to distract yourself from how shit you are, but it helps if it a bit good, at least. After watching Life In The Fab Lane (a reality tv show built around the life of ex-model and ex wife of Russell Simmons, Kimora Lee Simons- exactly) for three straight days, and nights too, I was thought I’d give Netflix’s hot new thing a chance to wow me.

I was feeling pretty un-wow-able; enter Orange Is The New Black.

For those yet to see it, Orange Is The New Black tells the story of Piper Chapman, a 34 year old white, middle class, pretty, blonde lady beginning a 15 month sentence at a Connecticut prison for carrying drug money across the border 10 years ago whilst in a lesbian relationship with pro drug smuggler Alex.

Although confronted with bare breasts in the first scene of the show, a sure sign that it's going to be 'edgy', I approached Orange Is The New Black with caution. I assumed that it would be like any other fish-out-of-water comedy. Privileged white lady is thrown into a prison full of hostile lesbians. After awkward encounters in the shower and being left out at lunch she befriends her fellow inmates one by one, experiencing a meaningful encounter with each one in which it’s revealed that they do have something in common after all, and episode by episode she makes the prison a better place.

Alarm bells did ring when Piper offends the prison's cook, Red, and is consequently 'starved out' for a few days; a punishment that she manages to overcome by making a special cream (leave it, she has her own line of “artisan soaps” on the outside) for Red's sore back.

However, I was wrong, of course.

Piper is merely our 'in'; she's how we as viewers get into the prison, but after a couple of episodes her story is often of secondary importance to those of her fellow inmates. Through a series of flashbacks we begin to find out more about them and 'what they're in for', leaving us more interested in them than we are in Piper.

Most of the inmates are from minority groups and it's refreshing to see their stories and voices privileged, rather than woven into the story of the protagonist as a bit of something extra.

Finally, we see a trans character played by a trans actress; in this instance it's Laverne Cox playing the role of Sophia. Whilst her storyline does mainly revolve around her new identity as a woman, it makes a change from what seems to be the norm of wheeling the 'tranny' out for a bit of comic relief.

Of course, the elephants in the room when discussing any kind of prison are sex and sexuality; elephants that Orange Is The New Black manages to separate and look after very well. It would be very easy for the show to become 'that show where women get off with each other' (Sugar Rush, anyone?) but sex scenes are almost always in the background of a scene, therefore removing a lot of the sensationalism that often surrounds gay and lesbian sex scenes and instead normalising them. As a result, lesbian inmates are given story lines that serve to identify them as something other than LESBIAN. Their sexuality is more of an after-thought, rather than their definitive 'characteristic'.

The majority of the male characters are particularly gross. They all hold positions of power, whether within the prison or outside of it, and they all use this for their own gain. It's hard to pick who is the most repulsive; the lecherous masturbating prison counsellor, the homophobic social worker or the drug-pushing, rape-threatening prick that is Correctional Officer Mendez. Oh ok, maybe it’s not that hard.

Even Piper's seemingly harmless fiancé Larry got struck off of my Christmas card list mid series after giving a radio interview detailing how difficult Piper's incarceration is for him.

The one redeeming male character amongst them is CO Bennett; a young officer who falls in love with Daya, an inmate. Whilst some have criticised the depiction of their relationship, I struggle to find them anything other than totes adorbz and their relationship heart-breakingly tragic.

The underlying theme throughout Orange Is The New Black, for me at least, seems to be power; either the lack of it, the struggle to gain it or the realisation that, regardless of what you do, sometimes you just have it. The latter is particularly true in the case of Piper, who throughout the series begins to realise that she has previously taken her power for granted. Often she is awarded privileges over her inmates due to university education; an education made available to her as a result of her race and class.

Speaking of race, the characterisation of the black and hispanic inmates is perhaps one of the few places when Orange Is The New Black slips up a little. Both races seem to adhere to stereotypes and the characters that are offered up are often loud, aggressive and sexualised. When the inmates are given the chance to form a Women's Advisory Council, it is Piper who is shown to be an advocate for political change, where as the black and hispanic representatives ask for seemingly trivial changes, like more fried chicken and an extra pillow. While some of these characters seem a little two dimensional, some do act as valuable tools in highlighting race inequality over in America; Taystee's return to the prison after her brief release shows the sad and sobering reality that, due to extreme poverty and lack of opportunity and support, for some inmates life inside prison is easier than it is on the outside.

So, although there may be a few hiccups, Orange Is The New Black is pretty much 'there' for me. It's a prison drama that isn't too grim but equally it doesn't gloss over the harsh realities of prison to the extent that life inside is depicted as, to quote Jez from Peep Show, “one long hen night.” With a sudden influx of drug-based dramas crossing over the Atlantic, I'm glad the girls are getting in on the action. Even if they are being punished for it...

CBB Highlighted Highlights - Day Seven

Well, I missed two nights of CBB, but seeing as they were still showing clips from the last show that I watched in the 'previously' segment, I won't apologise as I'm assuming nothing of interest happened? Apart from Charlotte wetting herself, obviously.

I have higher hopes for this episode, as we will see Irish Reality Star Danielle evicted and the rest of housemates nominate for the first time; if they can't make that remotely interesting then I'm out.

Lauren declares the day ahead to be D Day, however witty Carol McGiffin corrects her; “No, it's E- Day!” I see what you did there Carol, and I for one am impressed.

Irish Reality Star Danielle isn't doing her best to ensure that what might possibly be her last day in the house runs smoothly and is quizzing Louie over his career. She repeats the phrase “what do you do for money?” so many times that even Ron rolls his eyes at her lack of tact. Clearly irritated by the question, Louie humours her and answers that his father looks after him. This is lost on Irish Reality Star Danielle though and she goes on to say how she would never take money from her parents.

Abz is in the diary room discussing who he thinks will be evicted and how it will impact the house. He calls Ron “old school”, which we all know is code for “quite racist, homophobic and sexist”.

It's task time next, if you can call it that, and the housemates are asked to bring their most treasured possessions to Lauren's Antique Road Show. Ron brings in some glasses that his wife had made for him for a TV show he was doing (?!), Danielle brings in some tweezers, Sophie offers a necklace, Louie a toothbrush, Charlotte some socks with fried eggs on them, Dustin a ring and Bruce, perhaps missing the light-hearted nature of the task, hands over a ring that his mother gave to him moments before she died.
Dustin is deemed to have the most valuable possession and apparently that's prize enough.

Now, I like Lauren, I really do, but I feel like she is given quite a lot of air time. Whilst I acknowledge that this might be because at times watching her do mundane things is quite entertaining, especially if other housemates are being extraordinarily dull, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there might be some of that pesky BB editing coming in to play here. Getting Lauren in the house was a great move by producers, but I feel that they may be hoping for their very own Nadia.

Before you know it, Irish Reality Star Danielle is out of the house and we're on to the next unpredictable twist. Ron and Vicky, having just survived an eviction, are rewarded with a 'special power'. What's the power? They get to pick a housemate to face the public vote in the next eviction! WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT?
Ron tries to nominate Lauren, giving that he'd “be interested in the public's reaction to her” as a reason. Sure you would Ron, sure you would. Vicky stamps him down though and they decide on Louie, who does that annoying thing where people pretend to be ecstatic about it.

As if that roller coaster of emotion wasn't enough, the housemates will not nominate for the first time. Louie, who's been waiting for this moment since he signed his contract, skips off the nominate first and chooses Vicky and Ron, the two housemates who have just nominated him. Not so happy about it now, are we Louie?

I won't recap who nominates who, it would get tedious, but between nominations we are shown various housemates discussing who they will or won't be voting for. Every. Freaking. Series.

The news that Courtney, Ron, Louie, Charlotte and Lauren are up for eviction is revealed and, of course, there's fake nonchalance and excitement all round. Charlotte doesn't keep up the pretence for that long though and goes into the bedroom to cry with Sophie and Mario. She says “I knew it would be because I weed meself!” and yes Charlotte, it probably didn't help.

I also note at this point that Charlotte and I use the same body moisturiser, so that's good to know.

Charlotte then goes off into the diary room to cry, giving Carol the opportunity to tell Sophie to “stop pretending that [she] gives a shit.” Sophie then protests, to which Carol replies “she's just a Geordie slag.” The housemates don't bat an eyelid at this, but I do I'm afraid, I bat both numerous times.
I don't like it when anyone, man or woman, calls a woman a slag. I actually find the word to be disgusting, not to mention irrelevant; I actually can't think of one person to which I'd apply it to. I've seen it used a lot in relation to Charlotte and I find it bewildering. On Geordie Shore we've 'seen' her have sex with one person underneath a duvet for the past 4 years. She might have had more sexual partners than that over this period, is it that which makes her a slag? Or is it he fact that she has sex whilst cameras are on?
The argument almost seems cliché now, but there is no equivalent term for a man; 'man whore' doesn't count, as, you know, it's pre-fixed with the word 'man'.
I won't get into a deep feminist debate, but I feel a little pang of disappointment and a great deal of frustration whenever I hear the term used by anyone. So yeah, if we could all stop that then that would be great.

So, to lighten the mood, what was my favourite moment? Courtney asking Lauren if she'd “ate” today, as Lauren was eating. Sorry, 'ating'.

CBB's Highlighted Highlights - Day Four

I have been a bad CBB blogger. An unexpected train journey on Monday night threw me off schedule, and as anyone who has experience of using 5 On Demand will know, trying to ‘catch up’ is a task for those with the patience of a saint.

Twitter had already informed me that Monday’s episode was as dull as dishwater, but I didn’t want to miss it, if not only for the opportunity to scoff and eye-roll at the stupid things that Sophie says.

I have nothing to say about the opening of the show, other than this- Lauren’s hair.
From one startling sight to another, we are confronted with Sophie’s breasts in the mirror are she is preening. They’re not bare, she has retained her modesty by wearing a thin mesh bra; the most comfortable underwear for making snide comments about Courtney Stodden’s dresses don’t you know?

Lauren is doing Irish Reality Star Danielle’s hair for her and is giving her that “5 year old playing with Mummy’s things” look that’s so on-trend right now by knotting a round brush into Irish Reality Star Danielle’s fringe. Even Charlotte, who I’m sure has got a brush or two stuck in her hair in her time, can’t help the situation after her plan of blinding Irish Reality Star Danielle with leave-conditioner fails.

We briefly see Abz and Dustin, who until now I’d forgotten was in there, trade philosophical quotes before returning to the bedroom, where Courtney has been enlisted to help free Irish Reality Star Danielle’s fringe. It’s ok though, her mum is a hairdresser and she deftly teases the brush out of the fringe. Thank God.

Finally, it’s task time! The housemates are asked to show of their talents and perform on BB Street (I see whatcha did there guys); the housemate who receives the most tips from their fellow housemates wins. Charlotte wailswhat I suspect most of the housemates are thinking;  “How am I gonna do this one?!”

Bruce sings some song about wine, Dustin does stand-up, Irish Reality Star Danielle does stand-up, Charlotte performs a one woman 60 second re-enactment of the last four series of Geordie Shore, Ron sings (considering what he could of done, this is a blessing), Sophie walks, Lauren does burlesque (who knew?), Vicky does Janice and Courtney gets marries in lingerie.
I can only assume that Carol and Mario do something so cringe-worthy that even Channel 5 chose not to broadcast it.
Charlotte wins and is later rewarded with a beer and a burger in the Diary Room.

Ron strikes again, when in a conversation with Sophie, says “We don’t like people who take drugs do we?” looking at Bruce, “Like police men and customs officers.” Hey Ron, Jim Davidson called, he wants his joke back.

The ‘secret’ cult convene for the last time in order to choose the final housemate who will face eviction this week. Knowing that this ridiculous twist is coming to an end makes the next 3 minutes much easier to watch. Louie and Lauren vote against Sophie’s choice of Courtney to face the public vote, which sends Sophie into a right sulk. Not that you’d know it, her passive aggressive “It’s fine” keeps the cat in the bag.

And that’s the end of that.

It’s then revealed to the house that Vicky will face the public vote along side Ron and Irish Reality Star Danielle. Everyone takes it fairly well, apart from Bruce, who cries. It’s then time for the good stuff, as the secret Cult of Celebrity (the one that Irish Reality Star and Mario suspected 3 days ago) is revealed to the house.  The housemates eagerly watch Louie, Lauren and Sophie tear strips off Courtney and Irish Reality Star Danielle does her best blow-up doll impression when she watches Sophie say “I don’t understand why Danielle is here.”
Sophie tries to defend herself by telling the housmates that they only saw “certain clips”, obviously hoping that her roomies won’t cotton on to the fact that the last two nominations were made whilst the three of them were living in the house. Louie laughs it off, Lauren apologises and Sophie shrugs.

Irish Reality Star Danielle is not happy and confronts Sophie about what she has said in the garden. It’s then revealed that they have met before, which doesn’t help Sophie’s case in the slightest (nor does her incessant sweetheart-ing).

We also see that Vicky has a little bit of a problem with Louie and decides to spend her evening impersonating him, behind his back. Also note, this impersonation mainly just involves throwing her arms up in the air and flinging her legs around.

Back inside the house, Carol McGiffin is pissed. Really pissed. She is frog-marched to bedroom by the pillars of responsibility that are Charlotte and Mario, where she wakes the rest of the sleeping housemates by screeching “I can’t get my trousers off!”
Now, I did see a few tweets of disgust commenting on Carol’s slurring state, but I suspect I would have seen a whole lot more of “What a drunken slag” if Charlotte had been the one being dragged to bed. 

And that’s another episode down. That’s honestly how if feels right now. I won’t stop watching, due to my own stubbornness, but mustering the desire to watch every episode is a real chore. However, come Friday I will be unemployed, so my feelings will most likely change and I will look forward to the show every night, as it means another guilt-filled day of unemployment is over.

Favourite moment? Lauren Harries getting her earring stuck to a cushion.

CBB's Highlighted Highlights - Day Three

After the slight peak in interest levels that Carol's warning caused in the previous episode, I was looking forward to Sunday night's show.

The first ten minutes of the show seems to consist of Courtney and Lauren compete over who can change their outfit the most over the course of the day.

As expected, the housemates are asked to complete a 'guess the public's opinion' type task. Each housemate reveals three 'facts' about themselves and then identify which one the public have voted as the most interesting. Will I list each of the housemates' facts and tell you which one was voted the most interesting? No, as I didn't find any of the tit-bits that BB provided particularly interesting or shocking.

Task highlights-
1. We see Sophie Anderton scald BB for making Charlotte read out that she regularly has sex on camera for a reality TV show, to which Charlotte unashamedly replies that it's true. I'm pretty sure I've read headlines, albeit in News of the World, declaring that Sophie worked as a call girl to feed her coke habit, so I'd hold off on the judgement if I were you Sophie. Also, even if that rumour is bullshit, which coming from the News of the World there is a high probabilty that it will be, it would be nice if Sophie showed a bit of female solidarity and remembered how unpleasant it is to be called a whore.

2. Courtney tells us that she met her husband online. This is news to me, but really, where else would a 16 year old girl and a 50 year old man meet?

3. Apparently, Lauren tried to sue the government for ruining the economy.

* Lowlight* Listening to Ron croon his Christmas single (who knew?)


It's then time for the Temple Trio to convene and pick another housemate to face this week's public vote. We're told by BB that they have convened secretly, however given that they were rumbled by Mario in yesterday's show, I suspect that their meeting is as subtle as Courtney's breasts.
They eventually decide on Irish Reality Star Danielle, citing Sophie's suspicion that “she's here with the intention of becoming famous” as their reason. Again, you're hardly selling arena tours yourself, are you Sophie? So maybe just *Ross from Friends be quiet signal*.

After this things quiet down a bit. Louie fulfils yet another gay stereotype by eagerly feeling Courtney's boobs in the toilet and branding them “very good”, Ron sings some more and Lauren dons yet another dress that puts her at permanent risk of 'nip slip'.

It's about that time in the show again; it's time for a warning for possible racism! In all seriousness, I don't want to trivialise this, as this time the warning was well deserved. The recipient? Ron, of course! Why? Because in response to seeing Danielle wearing a jumper around her head, he thought “You haven't got a bomb have you?” was an appropriate response.
Ron delivers a standard apology and says that he would never want to offend anyone with his language seeing as his young grand-daughter would be watching. I find the last bit pretty irrelevant, as I'm almost certain that his grand-daughter is not devoted to a religion in which wearing a headscarf is part of her faith, but hey, I might be wrong. He continues to say that he has been trying to be aware of offending people whilst in the house. Great job so far.

BB tell the housemates that Danielle will also be facing the public vote this week and she cries.

Continuing her self-set mission to piss off as many housemates as she can in 24 hours, Sophie now sets her sights on Carol. Discussing Carol's desire to have a facelift, Sophie rather repeatedly asks “Does your fiance shag you senseless?” Despite ignoring the question for the first three times that Sophie slurs it at her, Carol gives in and cries “That's none of your business!” Quite. Also, it's not in anyway relevant. Whether a man wants to have sex with you or not shouldn't really hold much bearing on your decision as to whether you have plastic surgery, so again, shut it Sophie.

It's also at this point that I realise I've been spelling Louie's name wrong for the last four days, so sorry about that.

My breath catches when I see the housemates encouraging Ron to don a baseball cap and act like a rapper- that's risky guys, real risky.

I breathe again when we see Charlotte chatting to Carol about having sex on TV. I'm pleased to see that Carol is displaying a minimum amount of judgement. I've watched Geordie Shore and if seeing a duvet wiggle around for a few minutes is having sex on TV then I don't see what the fuss is about.

The show ends with Sophie trying to offer Abz some slurred words of wisdom. I'm fairly sure that if he hadn't meditated earlier he would be telling her to fuck off, particularly when she tells him that “being quiet means you get missed”. And in your case Sophie, not being quiet means you won't be missed by anyone when you are eventually booted out.

My favourite moment from tonight's show? Seeing Vicky, Charlotte and Danielle's face when they realise that Courtney's 60lbs weight includes her massive silicone breasts.