How to be angry about something on the Internet.

The other day I read this Mashable article about men’s apparent reaction to that new film The Other Women (The title is a pun; it’s supposed to be The Other Woman, but he’s shagging around so there’s more than one woman and boy, does hilarity ensue).

This particular article made me a little cross. The tone of piece (tongue in cheek, I’m sure), was that which would have only been appropriate if the male audience members, “brave as they were few”, had dashed into a burning children’s hospital, not gone to the cinema to see Kate Upton run.

For those who are interested, it would have gone something like this. I would have first scratched the skin off the article for using the phrase “the honeys makin’ money”, asking “Is it safe to even laugh?” (It’s totally safe to laugh, guys, but I wouldn’t worry about it, as I doubt you’ll raise so much as a wry smile, let alone an audible display of joy) and for saying this-

“Think over your day: Maybe it was a big mistake to compliment your attractive female co-worker’s taste in music. Maybe you stared at a scantily dressed passerby a moment too long. Maybe you drooled too much when Kate Upton emerged onscreen in her bikini.

Maybe you shouldn’t have asked for extra butter on your popcorn? Perhaps this movie is all a trap. Bad things might happen, fellas.”

You know what’s going to happen, fellas?
Your attractive female co-worker will know that you’re only complimenting her taste in music because she’s fit. This isn’t because she’s conceited, it’s because you’ve been gawping at her every time she goes over to the printer.
No one will notice that you were staring at a scantily dressed passerby a moment too long because you were in some weird dream world in which passersby are always scantily clad.
I, your date, will sit their politely with my arm resting upright on the armrest that separates us, holding my head, until the film is over, where I will make my excuses and leave, texting my friend from the car; “OMG, he fucking drools.”
Also, I won’t care that you got extra butter on your popcorn. Mainly, because UK cinemas don’t do that, but going with it, hypothetically, I will care if you touch my hair with your buttery fingers.

 
I would then explain, in an eloquent and hilarious way, that I don’t think the premise of the film is refreshing at all and for once I’d like to see a film about female friendship that isn’t born of or compromised by the desires of men.

Or something like that.

However, I have not seen the film.

I won’t see the film, because the film looks shit. So I had to resist the temptation to take to my keyboard and get all huffy.

I could get all self-reflective, or just illegally stream the film whilst I’m tidying my room or something so that I don’t have to really watch it, but that’s not the point of this piece. This piece is some advice to my past self, the one from yesterday lunchtime; some advice that would have seen me assert an unshakeable, militant, sweary opinion on something that I know next to nothing about. And if that’s not the point of this whole Internet thing, then what the fuck is?

So, how to complain about something you've never watched/read/interacted with in anyway.

1. Don’t do your research
THERE IS NO TIME.

We all know that, when it comes to opinions, the internet operates on a first come first serve basis; if you’re opinion isn’t up there first then it’s not going to get the amount of retweets and favourites that make having opinions worth it.

The more you dig around and read up on the subject that’s got you in a bother, the more chances there are of stumbling across some information that pisses on your angry, burny bonfire. It could come in the form of a cold hard fact (i.e numbers) or it could come in the form of an ‘allegedly’, or maybe it’ll come in the form of, you know, context, but either way it’s a comin’. You’re angrily written blog post or your furiously tapped tweets are redundant; it’s all over before it even began (if it’s a generic issue, like race or something, then just save it in your drafts and adapt to fit a later, equally angry issue)
They say that knowledge is power. It’s not. Ignore ‘they’.

2. Trailers and DM articles
If you really have to do research, like, it’s an absolute must for you, for example you’re looking for a specific quote or occurrence that will illustrate your point perfectly when it’s ripped away from it’s surroundings, then stick to trailers and the York Notes of news for the intolerant that is The Daily Mail.

Don’t dawdle. Get in, get what you need and get out.

3. Don’t expand on your point
Your lack of research and knowledge really puts you at an advantage now. Don’t think of this as making the opinion one-sided, narrow, 2D even, if you will, but think of this as making the opinion streamlined. People like streamlined stuff; shoes, cars, opinions.
So, you’ve now got your slinky opinion, don’t bother embellishing it or expanding on it with discussion and trying to explain what you mean; just find different ways to say the same over-riding thought that formed your initial reaction to the news story/tv show/ film/ football stuff/ haircut. The more times you say it, the more right it is.

4. Reappropriate the opinions of others
People will question your opinion. It’s annoying but it’s true.

Actually, it’s worth bearing in mind here that the best opinions are left unquestioned. This is not, as some might suggest, because you’re opinion is so fucking stupid that questioning it is futile, but it’s actually because you’re opinion is rock solid, watertight, right. Something to aim for, there.
With all the questioning, you might eventually run out of ways to make the same point. This is where you must turn to the work of others.

Look at what other people have said on the issue. It doesn’t matter if, for example, someone has said “A UKIP MP said ‘I hate Muslims’”, the take home message from that sentence is “I hate muslims”. Technically, that person did say that, those words did leave their mouth, or fingers, whatever. So, snip it out and use it to back yourself up, because it’s a dog-eat-dog virtual world out there and no one else will help you.

5. If in doubt, use exclamation marks.
I am willing to acknowledge that some people use exclamation marks to express a range of emotions but these people are wrong. The exclamation mark is used to convey volume and any other use is improper.

Combined with typing in all capitals, it’s fucking unbeatable.
Remember, the louder you are, the righter you are.

This advice will only get you so far. Eventually, some prick is going to ask “Have you actually seen/read it, though?” and then, you’re on your own.
Just remember, an opinion doesn’t have to be informed, it just has to be said.

Preferably, often and loudly.