Coachella
has kicked off over on the west coast (of a different country), so
prepare yourself for four days of relentless photos of American
teen-drama actresses looking effortlessly beautiful in 110 degree
heat and for music journos describing sets as “momentous”.
Of course, I want to be there. Instead, I'm in the UK celebrating the fact that I didn't have to wear a scarf every morning last week. So, I am using the ol' “didn't even wanna go anyway” approach and have managed to come up with five (there were meant to be ten) limp reasons why I'm glad I'm not there. Here they are-
1. Denim shorts
Denim shorts mar my summer every year. I know, I know, they're a 'summer staple'; they're jeans, but for summer, and they're everywhere at Coachella. I think you possibly have to produce a pair, like ID, in order to get in. If that is the case then I'd be left outside the gates saying “No, it's fine guys, I'll see you back at home!”
I'm yet to find my pair of denim shorts. They're so very easy to get wrong. Too long and you end up looking simultaneously 12 and 42, too short and you end up looking ridiculous. Too tight and you need to make a trip to Boots.
2. Body paint
I know
it's supposed to look all cool and sexy, but in reality it itches and
smells a bit funny. You're bound to smudge it and will therefore
spend the rest of the day looking like a bruise with legs. Also, guys
shouldn't do it.
3. Jared Leto
Everyone was losing their shit over that picture of him today, with Huffington Post asserting that “Jared Leto is Coachella and Coachella is Jared Leto”, as if that means anything. However, he leaves me cold, as do the guys who've recently grabbed their sisters hair band and tied their hair into a bun in an attempt to look like him.
4. Hats
Much like the denim shorts, everyone at Coachella seems to be wearing a hat. Trilby, fedora, floppy; they all look awful on me and I'm very aware of this, hence the smirky, jokey face that I have to sport whenever a hat is on my head.
5. Hair
My hair does not handle heat well. To be honest, it doesn't really handle life well. It's big at the best of times and if you throw in heat as well as splashes of beer and water then I end up looking less beachy-waves and more...Hagrid.
Obviously, everything written above is completely invalid, as I would quite happily walk barefoot over a field of plugs in order to see Outkast, no matter how underwhelming everyone is saying the reunion was.
3. Jared Leto
Everyone was losing their shit over that picture of him today, with Huffington Post asserting that “Jared Leto is Coachella and Coachella is Jared Leto”, as if that means anything. However, he leaves me cold, as do the guys who've recently grabbed their sisters hair band and tied their hair into a bun in an attempt to look like him.
4. Hats
Much like the denim shorts, everyone at Coachella seems to be wearing a hat. Trilby, fedora, floppy; they all look awful on me and I'm very aware of this, hence the smirky, jokey face that I have to sport whenever a hat is on my head.
5. Hair
My hair does not handle heat well. To be honest, it doesn't really handle life well. It's big at the best of times and if you throw in heat as well as splashes of beer and water then I end up looking less beachy-waves and more...Hagrid.
Obviously, everything written above is completely invalid, as I would quite happily walk barefoot over a field of plugs in order to see Outkast, no matter how underwhelming everyone is saying the reunion was.
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