Guys,
men, fellas- no longer do you have to wake up in the morning with a
knot of anxiety in your stomach as you wonder how you’re going to
be a man, a gentleman, for the next 16 hours. Country Life magazine
(yeah, I thought that it was a type of butter too) have released
their guide to being a modern day gentleman, so now you know.
The list of do's and don’ts is an attempt to drum up some interest in their Gentleman of the Year Award (why do we still even have these things?) and was developed with the consultation of authors, journalists and writers. Apparently. I feel like the only consulting that happened was between the editorial team, on a Friday afternoon at 5:15.
Jilly Cooper, a woman who has made a career out of writing about men who bang chicks in stables, is on the judging panel and said that “a real man drives you home after he’s been to bed with you. He wouldn’t jump on you without asking and he wouldn’t jump off buses without paying.”
Couple of things, Jilly. Whilst I’m totally with you on the not jumping on me thing, I’m confused about when you last got on a bus; no one gets off without paying any more, it’s impossible to do that. Also, I’ve read your books (a bit of one when I was 13, standing in the library) and 'been to bed with you'? Let’s not be coy.
She continued on to give her list of perfect gentlemen. They include David Attenborough, Prince William, Steven Gerrard (?!) and Ben Fogle, a man so gentlemanly that I assume he'd spend 75% of any sex session asking “Are you ok? Sure?”
Joan Collins also weighed in, saying that “a modern gentleman wouldn’t ever wear brown shoes at night.” Shut up, Joan, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I understand that at clichéd Hollywood parties, where they still serve crudité and stuff, it’s probably a faux pas to wear brown shoes, but that’s because everyone’s wearing a tux. Brown shoes can be great, providing they are not too shiny or pointy. Or slip on-y. Definitely not slip on-able.
If you want to see how you measure up to Country Life's idea of the perfect gentleman, then here, here's a few of their suggestions-
A gentleman...
-Is at ease in any situation and puts others at their ease.
Really? Any situation? Because I think that's a little broad, I can think of a few situations that no one with any moral fibre should be at ease with.
“Are you at ease? Get at ease RIGHT now. This is me putting you at ease.”
-Is always on time.
It's nice, but eh, whatcha gonna go? Maybe this is what Ja Rule was on about though...
-Dresses to suit the occasion.
Get it? Suit? Dresses to suit the occasion?
-Makes love on his elbows.
No. Sorry. No good sex ever happened on anyone's elbows. Also, this creates a high risk of 'full body weight on hair', and that's really annoying.
However, a gentleman does not...
-Wear a pre-tied bow tie
Yeah, you prick.
-Drink Malibu
Look, I like Malibu. I can drink it straight. Straight from the bottle. I can and I definitely have and I like people who will do that too.
The list of do's and don’ts is an attempt to drum up some interest in their Gentleman of the Year Award (why do we still even have these things?) and was developed with the consultation of authors, journalists and writers. Apparently. I feel like the only consulting that happened was between the editorial team, on a Friday afternoon at 5:15.
Jilly Cooper, a woman who has made a career out of writing about men who bang chicks in stables, is on the judging panel and said that “a real man drives you home after he’s been to bed with you. He wouldn’t jump on you without asking and he wouldn’t jump off buses without paying.”
Couple of things, Jilly. Whilst I’m totally with you on the not jumping on me thing, I’m confused about when you last got on a bus; no one gets off without paying any more, it’s impossible to do that. Also, I’ve read your books (a bit of one when I was 13, standing in the library) and 'been to bed with you'? Let’s not be coy.
She continued on to give her list of perfect gentlemen. They include David Attenborough, Prince William, Steven Gerrard (?!) and Ben Fogle, a man so gentlemanly that I assume he'd spend 75% of any sex session asking “Are you ok? Sure?”
Joan Collins also weighed in, saying that “a modern gentleman wouldn’t ever wear brown shoes at night.” Shut up, Joan, you have no idea what you’re talking about. I understand that at clichéd Hollywood parties, where they still serve crudité and stuff, it’s probably a faux pas to wear brown shoes, but that’s because everyone’s wearing a tux. Brown shoes can be great, providing they are not too shiny or pointy. Or slip on-y. Definitely not slip on-able.
If you want to see how you measure up to Country Life's idea of the perfect gentleman, then here, here's a few of their suggestions-
A gentleman...
-Is at ease in any situation and puts others at their ease.
Really? Any situation? Because I think that's a little broad, I can think of a few situations that no one with any moral fibre should be at ease with.
“Are you at ease? Get at ease RIGHT now. This is me putting you at ease.”
-Is always on time.
It's nice, but eh, whatcha gonna go? Maybe this is what Ja Rule was on about though...
-Dresses to suit the occasion.
Get it? Suit? Dresses to suit the occasion?
-Makes love on his elbows.
No. Sorry. No good sex ever happened on anyone's elbows. Also, this creates a high risk of 'full body weight on hair', and that's really annoying.
However, a gentleman does not...
-Wear a pre-tied bow tie
Yeah, you prick.
-Drink Malibu
Look, I like Malibu. I can drink it straight. Straight from the bottle. I can and I definitely have and I like people who will do that too.
-Buy
fuchsia trousersI'm
totally down with coloured trousers on a man. Find the right tone
(probs go for muted, not fuchsia) and a good fit and they're
great.
-Tweet
Bollocks. I fancy some people based solely on how hilarious and intelligent they appear to be on Twitter. In fact, I'm suspicious of you if you don't have Twitter; do you have nothing to say? Ever? How else will I feel like I know you before we've even met?
-Own a cat
Personally, I think everyone should own a cat. I love cats and it bothers me when people say “Oh, I hate cats.” That's right, all cats ever.
Oh, you don't like cats because one scratched you when you were five? Well maybe you were being fucking annoying like you're being right now, get over it.
-Tweet
Bollocks. I fancy some people based solely on how hilarious and intelligent they appear to be on Twitter. In fact, I'm suspicious of you if you don't have Twitter; do you have nothing to say? Ever? How else will I feel like I know you before we've even met?
-Own a cat
Personally, I think everyone should own a cat. I love cats and it bothers me when people say “Oh, I hate cats.” That's right, all cats ever.
Oh, you don't like cats because one scratched you when you were five? Well maybe you were being fucking annoying like you're being right now, get over it.
Without wanting to sound like Carrie Bradshaw (because who would?), I then got to thinking about my own Dos and Don'ts for men wishing to be a gentleman in this modern age. Here's what I came up with-
Do appreciate cheese
Liking various types of cheese is an easy way to appear sophisticated, when really it's just liking stuff that tastes nice, as opposed to wine, which you kind of just have to put up with.
Don't steal other people's jokes
That “Hey Apple, no one ever means ducking” joke that's floating around Twitter? You may have typed it out carefully, but it's not your joke. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Also, don't try and be competitively funny. Sometimes I, a girl, will say something that's funnier than what you, a boy, just said. That's ok.
Do undo your top button
I know fuck all about men's fashion, really, but I think the top button done up is kind of, a bit, out? All I know, is that an open collar and a flash of collar bone is nice.
Same for ankles.
Don't push my head down
You know what I mean. Yeah. Don't.
Do be chivalrous...
...to other men. I'm not sure if that's even chivalry, I couldn't be bothered to look it up; it's probably just manners. Hold the door for another man, say “thanks mate/ cheers buddy”; it will make me like you and isn't that the point of reading this whole post? So that you know how to get with this?
Don't default automatically to Nandos
I'm just going to say it; Nandos is not that good. It's chicken and it's alright, but that's it. No one looks great eating a heavily marinated chicken, and they look even more not great eating corn on the cob.
So, there we have it. It's nice to know that men are still subject to the kind of ridiculous bullshit that girls are; we're all in this together huh?
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