In the last week we've seen both
Twitter and Instagram announce new features that will allow us to
send images directly, and privately, to other users. Now, given their
history it's no surprise that these two have engaged in some sort of
tit-for-tat one-up game, however I did find the implication that we
needed these features in the first place quite surprising; isn't that
what Whatsapp's for?
I racked my brain long and hard thinking of how these latest changes would benefit us.
I came up with only one reason.
FLIPPANTLY SENT NAKED PICTURES.
For the purpose of this post we shall refer to these types of pictures as 'sexts'; I am aware that 'sexts' are traditionally text based but, ya know, the title?
Maybe my conclusion that the only images that can be exchanged privately can be of the naked variety says more about me as a person than I would like it to, but honestly, what else would you use it for?
Much like the non-textual act itself, sexting consists of a complicated set of rules and rituals. Poor judgement regarding timing, positioning and lighting can all serve to ruin your hard work. You've favourited tweets, you've liked photos of their dog to prove that you don't just see them as a piece of meat and really are interested in their life; it's time to reap the rewards.
Here are my top five tips for successful sexting-
1. Don't go in too early-
Guys in particular, you have one card to play in the sexting game. Play it too early and you'll receive a diplomatic response that was typed whilst the recipient held their other thumb over said picture so that they could avoid looking directly at it.
How do you know when the time is right? If your flirting has been reduced to increasingly strained and thinly-veiled euphemisms then hit send.
I racked my brain long and hard thinking of how these latest changes would benefit us.
I came up with only one reason.
FLIPPANTLY SENT NAKED PICTURES.
For the purpose of this post we shall refer to these types of pictures as 'sexts'; I am aware that 'sexts' are traditionally text based but, ya know, the title?
Maybe my conclusion that the only images that can be exchanged privately can be of the naked variety says more about me as a person than I would like it to, but honestly, what else would you use it for?
Much like the non-textual act itself, sexting consists of a complicated set of rules and rituals. Poor judgement regarding timing, positioning and lighting can all serve to ruin your hard work. You've favourited tweets, you've liked photos of their dog to prove that you don't just see them as a piece of meat and really are interested in their life; it's time to reap the rewards.
Here are my top five tips for successful sexting-
1. Don't go in too early-
Guys in particular, you have one card to play in the sexting game. Play it too early and you'll receive a diplomatic response that was typed whilst the recipient held their other thumb over said picture so that they could avoid looking directly at it.
How do you know when the time is right? If your flirting has been reduced to increasingly strained and thinly-veiled euphemisms then hit send.
2.
Filter is your friend-
If filters can make even the most banal and unappetising of meals look inviting then the same goes for genitals. The right filter can neutralise angry pink tones and make things look altogether more tasteful. Ones to avoid? Anything with too much contrast; you're not in The Wizard of Oz, grey scale; this ain't a perfume ad and sepia; this ain't The Others.
3. Be aware of your surroundings-
Decide where you're going to take the snap and tidy the area. Get rid of depressing, mood-killing items such as pizza boxes, DVD's that are out of their cases, tabloids, an over-flowing bin etc.
4. Be aware of their surroundings-
Girls, if a guy is “chilling with the boys” then refrain from hitting send. Someone other than the intended will definitely see it. If you were having a good day and have already taken the picture then save it for another night (no one sexts in the day, right?) when you've been bare-faced and top-knotted since 6pm and have no intention of changing.
5. Let it go-
When you press send you're releasing that picture into the world like a dirty dove. It's never coming back; it's out there now, free to fulfil it's destiny. Chances are, someone's gonna see that dove. They might exclaim “Ah, what a pretty dove!” or they might confuse it with a pigeon, but you'll never know. And honestly, does it really matter? The only time that picture is coming back to haunt you is if you make it to boot-camp on The X Factor, and if this is the case then I suggest you've already got much more significant problems than a badly lit, pixelated picture of your bits being featured in The Sun.
So, it's time to find your most flattering angle and practice your nonchalant, 'this-is-just-how-I-look' face. Ya know, if you want to. But Twitter and Instagram are basically asking you to.
If filters can make even the most banal and unappetising of meals look inviting then the same goes for genitals. The right filter can neutralise angry pink tones and make things look altogether more tasteful. Ones to avoid? Anything with too much contrast; you're not in The Wizard of Oz, grey scale; this ain't a perfume ad and sepia; this ain't The Others.
3. Be aware of your surroundings-
Decide where you're going to take the snap and tidy the area. Get rid of depressing, mood-killing items such as pizza boxes, DVD's that are out of their cases, tabloids, an over-flowing bin etc.
4. Be aware of their surroundings-
Girls, if a guy is “chilling with the boys” then refrain from hitting send. Someone other than the intended will definitely see it. If you were having a good day and have already taken the picture then save it for another night (no one sexts in the day, right?) when you've been bare-faced and top-knotted since 6pm and have no intention of changing.
5. Let it go-
When you press send you're releasing that picture into the world like a dirty dove. It's never coming back; it's out there now, free to fulfil it's destiny. Chances are, someone's gonna see that dove. They might exclaim “Ah, what a pretty dove!” or they might confuse it with a pigeon, but you'll never know. And honestly, does it really matter? The only time that picture is coming back to haunt you is if you make it to boot-camp on The X Factor, and if this is the case then I suggest you've already got much more significant problems than a badly lit, pixelated picture of your bits being featured in The Sun.
So, it's time to find your most flattering angle and practice your nonchalant, 'this-is-just-how-I-look' face. Ya know, if you want to. But Twitter and Instagram are basically asking you to.
