CBB Highlighted Highlights - Day Seven

Well, I missed two nights of CBB, but seeing as they were still showing clips from the last show that I watched in the 'previously' segment, I won't apologise as I'm assuming nothing of interest happened? Apart from Charlotte wetting herself, obviously.

I have higher hopes for this episode, as we will see Irish Reality Star Danielle evicted and the rest of housemates nominate for the first time; if they can't make that remotely interesting then I'm out.

Lauren declares the day ahead to be D Day, however witty Carol McGiffin corrects her; “No, it's E- Day!” I see what you did there Carol, and I for one am impressed.

Irish Reality Star Danielle isn't doing her best to ensure that what might possibly be her last day in the house runs smoothly and is quizzing Louie over his career. She repeats the phrase “what do you do for money?” so many times that even Ron rolls his eyes at her lack of tact. Clearly irritated by the question, Louie humours her and answers that his father looks after him. This is lost on Irish Reality Star Danielle though and she goes on to say how she would never take money from her parents.

Abz is in the diary room discussing who he thinks will be evicted and how it will impact the house. He calls Ron “old school”, which we all know is code for “quite racist, homophobic and sexist”.

It's task time next, if you can call it that, and the housemates are asked to bring their most treasured possessions to Lauren's Antique Road Show. Ron brings in some glasses that his wife had made for him for a TV show he was doing (?!), Danielle brings in some tweezers, Sophie offers a necklace, Louie a toothbrush, Charlotte some socks with fried eggs on them, Dustin a ring and Bruce, perhaps missing the light-hearted nature of the task, hands over a ring that his mother gave to him moments before she died.
Dustin is deemed to have the most valuable possession and apparently that's prize enough.

Now, I like Lauren, I really do, but I feel like she is given quite a lot of air time. Whilst I acknowledge that this might be because at times watching her do mundane things is quite entertaining, especially if other housemates are being extraordinarily dull, but I have a sneaking suspicion that there might be some of that pesky BB editing coming in to play here. Getting Lauren in the house was a great move by producers, but I feel that they may be hoping for their very own Nadia.

Before you know it, Irish Reality Star Danielle is out of the house and we're on to the next unpredictable twist. Ron and Vicky, having just survived an eviction, are rewarded with a 'special power'. What's the power? They get to pick a housemate to face the public vote in the next eviction! WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT?
Ron tries to nominate Lauren, giving that he'd “be interested in the public's reaction to her” as a reason. Sure you would Ron, sure you would. Vicky stamps him down though and they decide on Louie, who does that annoying thing where people pretend to be ecstatic about it.

As if that roller coaster of emotion wasn't enough, the housemates will not nominate for the first time. Louie, who's been waiting for this moment since he signed his contract, skips off the nominate first and chooses Vicky and Ron, the two housemates who have just nominated him. Not so happy about it now, are we Louie?

I won't recap who nominates who, it would get tedious, but between nominations we are shown various housemates discussing who they will or won't be voting for. Every. Freaking. Series.

The news that Courtney, Ron, Louie, Charlotte and Lauren are up for eviction is revealed and, of course, there's fake nonchalance and excitement all round. Charlotte doesn't keep up the pretence for that long though and goes into the bedroom to cry with Sophie and Mario. She says “I knew it would be because I weed meself!” and yes Charlotte, it probably didn't help.

I also note at this point that Charlotte and I use the same body moisturiser, so that's good to know.

Charlotte then goes off into the diary room to cry, giving Carol the opportunity to tell Sophie to “stop pretending that [she] gives a shit.” Sophie then protests, to which Carol replies “she's just a Geordie slag.” The housemates don't bat an eyelid at this, but I do I'm afraid, I bat both numerous times.
I don't like it when anyone, man or woman, calls a woman a slag. I actually find the word to be disgusting, not to mention irrelevant; I actually can't think of one person to which I'd apply it to. I've seen it used a lot in relation to Charlotte and I find it bewildering. On Geordie Shore we've 'seen' her have sex with one person underneath a duvet for the past 4 years. She might have had more sexual partners than that over this period, is it that which makes her a slag? Or is it he fact that she has sex whilst cameras are on?
The argument almost seems cliché now, but there is no equivalent term for a man; 'man whore' doesn't count, as, you know, it's pre-fixed with the word 'man'.
I won't get into a deep feminist debate, but I feel a little pang of disappointment and a great deal of frustration whenever I hear the term used by anyone. So yeah, if we could all stop that then that would be great.

So, to lighten the mood, what was my favourite moment? Courtney asking Lauren if she'd “ate” today, as Lauren was eating. Sorry, 'ating'.

CBB's Highlighted Highlights - Day Four

I have been a bad CBB blogger. An unexpected train journey on Monday night threw me off schedule, and as anyone who has experience of using 5 On Demand will know, trying to ‘catch up’ is a task for those with the patience of a saint.

Twitter had already informed me that Monday’s episode was as dull as dishwater, but I didn’t want to miss it, if not only for the opportunity to scoff and eye-roll at the stupid things that Sophie says.

I have nothing to say about the opening of the show, other than this- Lauren’s hair.
From one startling sight to another, we are confronted with Sophie’s breasts in the mirror are she is preening. They’re not bare, she has retained her modesty by wearing a thin mesh bra; the most comfortable underwear for making snide comments about Courtney Stodden’s dresses don’t you know?

Lauren is doing Irish Reality Star Danielle’s hair for her and is giving her that “5 year old playing with Mummy’s things” look that’s so on-trend right now by knotting a round brush into Irish Reality Star Danielle’s fringe. Even Charlotte, who I’m sure has got a brush or two stuck in her hair in her time, can’t help the situation after her plan of blinding Irish Reality Star Danielle with leave-conditioner fails.

We briefly see Abz and Dustin, who until now I’d forgotten was in there, trade philosophical quotes before returning to the bedroom, where Courtney has been enlisted to help free Irish Reality Star Danielle’s fringe. It’s ok though, her mum is a hairdresser and she deftly teases the brush out of the fringe. Thank God.

Finally, it’s task time! The housemates are asked to show of their talents and perform on BB Street (I see whatcha did there guys); the housemate who receives the most tips from their fellow housemates wins. Charlotte wailswhat I suspect most of the housemates are thinking;  “How am I gonna do this one?!”

Bruce sings some song about wine, Dustin does stand-up, Irish Reality Star Danielle does stand-up, Charlotte performs a one woman 60 second re-enactment of the last four series of Geordie Shore, Ron sings (considering what he could of done, this is a blessing), Sophie walks, Lauren does burlesque (who knew?), Vicky does Janice and Courtney gets marries in lingerie.
I can only assume that Carol and Mario do something so cringe-worthy that even Channel 5 chose not to broadcast it.
Charlotte wins and is later rewarded with a beer and a burger in the Diary Room.

Ron strikes again, when in a conversation with Sophie, says “We don’t like people who take drugs do we?” looking at Bruce, “Like police men and customs officers.” Hey Ron, Jim Davidson called, he wants his joke back.

The ‘secret’ cult convene for the last time in order to choose the final housemate who will face eviction this week. Knowing that this ridiculous twist is coming to an end makes the next 3 minutes much easier to watch. Louie and Lauren vote against Sophie’s choice of Courtney to face the public vote, which sends Sophie into a right sulk. Not that you’d know it, her passive aggressive “It’s fine” keeps the cat in the bag.

And that’s the end of that.

It’s then revealed to the house that Vicky will face the public vote along side Ron and Irish Reality Star Danielle. Everyone takes it fairly well, apart from Bruce, who cries. It’s then time for the good stuff, as the secret Cult of Celebrity (the one that Irish Reality Star and Mario suspected 3 days ago) is revealed to the house.  The housemates eagerly watch Louie, Lauren and Sophie tear strips off Courtney and Irish Reality Star Danielle does her best blow-up doll impression when she watches Sophie say “I don’t understand why Danielle is here.”
Sophie tries to defend herself by telling the housmates that they only saw “certain clips”, obviously hoping that her roomies won’t cotton on to the fact that the last two nominations were made whilst the three of them were living in the house. Louie laughs it off, Lauren apologises and Sophie shrugs.

Irish Reality Star Danielle is not happy and confronts Sophie about what she has said in the garden. It’s then revealed that they have met before, which doesn’t help Sophie’s case in the slightest (nor does her incessant sweetheart-ing).

We also see that Vicky has a little bit of a problem with Louie and decides to spend her evening impersonating him, behind his back. Also note, this impersonation mainly just involves throwing her arms up in the air and flinging her legs around.

Back inside the house, Carol McGiffin is pissed. Really pissed. She is frog-marched to bedroom by the pillars of responsibility that are Charlotte and Mario, where she wakes the rest of the sleeping housemates by screeching “I can’t get my trousers off!”
Now, I did see a few tweets of disgust commenting on Carol’s slurring state, but I suspect I would have seen a whole lot more of “What a drunken slag” if Charlotte had been the one being dragged to bed. 

And that’s another episode down. That’s honestly how if feels right now. I won’t stop watching, due to my own stubbornness, but mustering the desire to watch every episode is a real chore. However, come Friday I will be unemployed, so my feelings will most likely change and I will look forward to the show every night, as it means another guilt-filled day of unemployment is over.

Favourite moment? Lauren Harries getting her earring stuck to a cushion.

CBB's Highlighted Highlights - Day Three

After the slight peak in interest levels that Carol's warning caused in the previous episode, I was looking forward to Sunday night's show.

The first ten minutes of the show seems to consist of Courtney and Lauren compete over who can change their outfit the most over the course of the day.

As expected, the housemates are asked to complete a 'guess the public's opinion' type task. Each housemate reveals three 'facts' about themselves and then identify which one the public have voted as the most interesting. Will I list each of the housemates' facts and tell you which one was voted the most interesting? No, as I didn't find any of the tit-bits that BB provided particularly interesting or shocking.

Task highlights-
1. We see Sophie Anderton scald BB for making Charlotte read out that she regularly has sex on camera for a reality TV show, to which Charlotte unashamedly replies that it's true. I'm pretty sure I've read headlines, albeit in News of the World, declaring that Sophie worked as a call girl to feed her coke habit, so I'd hold off on the judgement if I were you Sophie. Also, even if that rumour is bullshit, which coming from the News of the World there is a high probabilty that it will be, it would be nice if Sophie showed a bit of female solidarity and remembered how unpleasant it is to be called a whore.

2. Courtney tells us that she met her husband online. This is news to me, but really, where else would a 16 year old girl and a 50 year old man meet?

3. Apparently, Lauren tried to sue the government for ruining the economy.

* Lowlight* Listening to Ron croon his Christmas single (who knew?)


It's then time for the Temple Trio to convene and pick another housemate to face this week's public vote. We're told by BB that they have convened secretly, however given that they were rumbled by Mario in yesterday's show, I suspect that their meeting is as subtle as Courtney's breasts.
They eventually decide on Irish Reality Star Danielle, citing Sophie's suspicion that “she's here with the intention of becoming famous” as their reason. Again, you're hardly selling arena tours yourself, are you Sophie? So maybe just *Ross from Friends be quiet signal*.

After this things quiet down a bit. Louie fulfils yet another gay stereotype by eagerly feeling Courtney's boobs in the toilet and branding them “very good”, Ron sings some more and Lauren dons yet another dress that puts her at permanent risk of 'nip slip'.

It's about that time in the show again; it's time for a warning for possible racism! In all seriousness, I don't want to trivialise this, as this time the warning was well deserved. The recipient? Ron, of course! Why? Because in response to seeing Danielle wearing a jumper around her head, he thought “You haven't got a bomb have you?” was an appropriate response.
Ron delivers a standard apology and says that he would never want to offend anyone with his language seeing as his young grand-daughter would be watching. I find the last bit pretty irrelevant, as I'm almost certain that his grand-daughter is not devoted to a religion in which wearing a headscarf is part of her faith, but hey, I might be wrong. He continues to say that he has been trying to be aware of offending people whilst in the house. Great job so far.

BB tell the housemates that Danielle will also be facing the public vote this week and she cries.

Continuing her self-set mission to piss off as many housemates as she can in 24 hours, Sophie now sets her sights on Carol. Discussing Carol's desire to have a facelift, Sophie rather repeatedly asks “Does your fiance shag you senseless?” Despite ignoring the question for the first three times that Sophie slurs it at her, Carol gives in and cries “That's none of your business!” Quite. Also, it's not in anyway relevant. Whether a man wants to have sex with you or not shouldn't really hold much bearing on your decision as to whether you have plastic surgery, so again, shut it Sophie.

It's also at this point that I realise I've been spelling Louie's name wrong for the last four days, so sorry about that.

My breath catches when I see the housemates encouraging Ron to don a baseball cap and act like a rapper- that's risky guys, real risky.

I breathe again when we see Charlotte chatting to Carol about having sex on TV. I'm pleased to see that Carol is displaying a minimum amount of judgement. I've watched Geordie Shore and if seeing a duvet wiggle around for a few minutes is having sex on TV then I don't see what the fuss is about.

The show ends with Sophie trying to offer Abz some slurred words of wisdom. I'm fairly sure that if he hadn't meditated earlier he would be telling her to fuck off, particularly when she tells him that “being quiet means you get missed”. And in your case Sophie, not being quiet means you won't be missed by anyone when you are eventually booted out.

My favourite moment from tonight's show? Seeing Vicky, Charlotte and Danielle's face when they realise that Courtney's 60lbs weight includes her massive silicone breasts.

CBB's Highlighted Highlights- Day Two

As much as I love CBB, and believe me I really do, as with any BB series I find that the first few days take a while to get going. There aren't any tasks, as pointless rating tasks don't count and any twists are shown from at least a dozen different angles. Whilst I'm all for anything that makes the show a bit more accessible and encourages people to watch, it can all feel a bit samey.

Tonight we see the Temple Trio enter the house, like we did last night, only in more detail. In the preview of the show we see Sophie say “I don't see how we can slip up”. Guys, I think they're gonna slip up.

The show begins with Charlotte helping herself to some breakfast. Now Charlotte, you can shit yourself and you can piss yourself, but please don't drink out of the shared milk bottle.

Meanwhile, the Temple Trio have been given some new clothes and whilst it's true that white is 'in' this season, they look more like the staff from Danielle's botox clinic. That, or a more sartorially savvy KKK.

Actually, speaking of Danielle, she seems to be known by Marcus as Irish Reality Star Danielle, so sorry about that Danielle.

The first points winner of this episode is Louis, who says that he had no problem with nominating people. Well thank God. The faux soul searching and agonising over nominations is an aspect of BB that I find simultaneously baffling and irritating. You knew that you would have to do it and in the first few days you really don't have any loyalty to anyone, so just bloody do it. However, I'm aware that this attitude would possibly get me booted out of the house first.

A blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment that I found quite interesting was Charlotte admitting that she finds filming Geordie Shore boring. Ignoring the fact that her appearance in the house probably signifies that she'll be leaving Geordie Shore quite soon, I actually found this little statement quite telling. Although she has been painted as a crude party girl with a brain the size of a grape, the fact that Charlotte gets bored with the rinse-repeat, or drink-vomit-repeat, plot lines of Geordie Shore to me signifies that her heart isn't in it and that to her, it's like any other job.
Whilst I can understand why many viewers find her crass and abrasive, I feel an inexplicable warmth towards Charlotte. Maybe it's because I've seen a lot of particularly unimaginative tweets branding her a slag, a term that makes my blood boil, I don't know.

Finally, we see My First Love Abz, chatting with Mario in the garden. Mario is unbelievably patronising when questioning Abz about what he's up to now and says “Still, it must be nice to work.” Although I acknowledge that the formation of 5ive was hardly a definitive moment in music history, their reunion has been relatively well received; a sentiment that I don't think would be echoed should a TOWIE reunion occur in 10 years, so you be patronising whilst you can Mario.

Abz then moves into the bedroom to listen to Courtney explain the intricacies of a boob job. Not that I was considering it, but her revelation that she needs to wear a bra at all times put me off the idea in seconds. As a girl who enjoys few things more than taking off her bra at the end of the day, I'll stick with my breasts; “small and humble, so you don't confuse them with mountains.”

Next, wearing sheets that I assume the BB producers use to cover their cars with in winter, the Temple Trio decide that Ron will be the first housemate to face the public vote and after they enter the house and BB have announced the news, we see Mario share his suspicions that Louis, Lauren and Sophie have been watching them from a secret house and that it was in fact them who nominated Ron and not the general public. Hey BB, if Mario Falcone is guessing your twists, then it's time to get some new ones.
Charlotte, meanwhile, is less rational about the decision and takes out her anger on an unsuspecting gateau.
Ron, sitting in the diary room with his legs at a 180 degree angle, seems indifferent to the news, so I assume that no more desserts were harmed that night.


And finally, it ain't BB without a formal warning! And it definitely isn't CBB without it being given for racist language! Louis, completely unaware of Ron's career, quizzes Carol for the low down. Carol, never shy in coming forward, informed Louis that Ron was “heard on mic calling a footballer a n*****”. Quicker than you can say 'context' Carol was hauled into the Diary Room and given a formal warning, being told that Big Brother “may have no choice but to remove [her]” if she repeated this again.

Little tip for BB producers, if you're worried about racist language being used on the show it's probably best to minimise the risk of this occurring by NOT putting someone who lost their career because they used racist language, as it's probably going to crop up at some point.
The action seems so ludicrous that a small part of me even suspects that the warning is actually nothing to do with the possibility of causing offence to viewers and more to do with an agreement between Ron and producers that his little slip up wouldn't be mentioned. Surely the whole point of putting a celeb that has been involved in racial controversy into the house is so that this incident will be discussed, either reaffirming or changing the public's opinions. How is this going to happen if housemates feel scared to bring it up for fear of being reprimanded? Granted, I would probably have said “The N Word”, as I think even Louis Spence could have worked it out, but I don't think someone repeating Ron's words will cause as much offence as Ron using the term in the first place.
This, in my opinion (which I acknowledge is skewed as I have never been on the receiving end of any kind of racism), is yet another example of BB producers attempting to make up for sins past and holding their hands up saying “We're not racist? See? We're even trying to stamp out any acknowledgement that racism could even possibly exist.”

I could go on about this all day, but I'm really interested in your opinions on this so comment and tweet me!

It seems like the show might be shedding it's slow-to-start skin and livening up, so I think this week is gonna be a good'un.

CBB's Highlighted Highlights- Day One

After an apocalyptic montage recapping the events of launch night, we see Louis, Sophie and Lauren enter a 'temple' that looks like the waiting room of a dental implant clinic and discover that Louis face permanently looks as though there is a bad smell lingering in the air.

Although it can feel a little repetitive to watch the housemates enter the house again, it's interesting to see the Temple Trio's reactions to their peers. They offer insightful comments such as “Courtney's boobs are fake” and “Mario has a big dick, apparently”.

Meanwhile in the house Charlotte tells Ron to let her know if she's annoying him. With a face bearing an annoyed expression, he maintains that she won't annoy him and says “I like bubbly people”- the ultimate insult.

Courtney is feeling all accomplished, whining that she got a plane in order to get to the UK from Beverly Hills and maintaining her superiority upon discovering that Mario travelled a mere 40 minutes, BY CAR.

Charlotte continues her charm offensive and we gain a valuable insight into the thought process behind most of her decisions when she offers Courtney a delicious cocktail of white wine and champagne reasoning “at the end of the day, you're not going to die.”

If only Courtney's stuffed bunny had exercised this reasoning when deciding to travel in a suitcase with a bottle of shampoo. The housemate's small talk is interrupted by Courtney screeching that her “bunny has shampoo all over his face”and in order to get her to shut it, Abz and Charlotte muster the energy to care, suggesting that she mangle her bunny. Also, I assume I'm not the only one who let out an 'ew' when Courtney reveals that she's named her stuffed animal after her husband.
Speaking of 'ew', Courtney picks Ron as the first housemate she's going to make feel uncomfortable as she discusses her marriage. He seems fairly indifferent to the discussion, a sentiment that I wish I could share. Courtney reasons that a hundred years ago young women married older men all the time and they never got divorced, conveniently forgetting or remaining ignorant to the fact that a hundred years ago women were sold to their future husbands and couldn't get a divorce even if they wanted to, but whatever helps you sleep at night Courtney.

Now it's time for the Ceremony of Judgement begins and it's time for the Temple Trio to choose three housemates who will possibly face eviction this week. Louis chooses Ron, Sophie chooses Courtney and Lauren chooses Carol. All three recycle the age-old BB reason that they don't have anything in common; CBB has well and truly started.

Back in the house, inspired by Detective Dan's performance in this year's civilian BB, Danielle tries on her police cap and suspects that there are three housemates watching them. Boy she's shrewd, or maybe she's just watched BB before?

We're next confronted with a rather unflattering shot of Mario's grey-marl covered arse as he talks to Carol in the kitchen. They're discussing Courtney's marriage and finally, Carol pulls the face that we were all thinking when we worked out the age gap. Points to you Carol.

It's time for the Temple Trio to be crow-barred into the house, but Beautiful Emma Willis tells us that there is yet another twist. In a shock twist, I'm beginning to get bored of twists. This twist was particularly boring, as the Temple Trio are told to pretend that they haven't been watching the house for the past 24 hours and that Ron's nomination will be blamed on us, the public.

As is always the case when Channel 5 combine a highlights show with a live segment, the final 10 minutes are rushed. We see BB announce that Ron will face the public vote and everyone display some convincing fake emotion, apart from Charlotte, who cries.

Overall, for a first show it wasn't too bad. We saw all of the housemates and, promisingly, no one has faded into the background just yet. I am finding the twists a tad tiresome and look forward to them being replaced by some well thought out tasks.

Oh, my favourite moment? Bruce settling into his sleeping bag clad in a bobble hat saying “If they could see us now!” We can Bruce, that's the point of the show.

"I like sex and I piss and shit myself"- CBB Launch Night

Launch night kicked off with a cringe inducing intro that I suspect was aiming to be a witty social commentary on our attitudes towards celebrities, but instead came off as a weird, budget perfume ad. Stop making Emma do this BB, she's better than this.

After a bit of cheering and a few crow-barred puns the big twist was finally revealed! As suspected, or leaked, it was a secret house! This series the secret house has been repackaged as a 'temple' and the first three celebs to enter the house will be stuffed into the temple and given the “privilege of power” and will decide who goes up for nomination. Well, that makes a change.

Now for the good stuff; the housemates.

1. Louis Spence-
It was only a matter of time before Louis pirouetted his way into the house really wasn't it? He tells us in his VT that he's not this 'on' all of the time and he warns that his balls might fall out of his pants.
He's my grandma's favourite gay man. Why? Because he's everything that people of her generation, or the more close minded of younger generations, expect a gay man to be. By being the physical embodiment of 'camp' in its purest form Louis has turned himself into a caricature. He doesn't seem like a 'real' person and so has won the approval of people who say things like “Honestly, I love them! I don't have a problem with them!”, because he's just a bit of fun. A little like when people 'awww' at Winnie The Pooh because he's cute, but they wouldn't want to be anywhere near a bear in real life.
If he drops the façade or experiences a mini breakdown then he could make for an interesting house mate, but if he spends the whole time clicking his fingers and rubbing himself on the furniture then he will have to go.

2. Lauren Harries-
Yes, yes, YES! Has there ever been a more perfect house mate?
Lauren's intro shows an almost ghostly image of Lauren as a 12 year old boy claiming that “Antiques should show wear and tear, they should look old”, giving the whole thing a 'Ghost of Christmas future' type feel. She says “a lot of people don't like me, I don't know why.” Well Lauren, it's probably because you were born a male who felt like female and so became female; that sort of shit scares people. Ignorant people.
I don't think that Lauren will be a great housemate just because she's trans-gender, although that will make for some interesting conversations should she want to share her experiences, but I think she'll make a great housemate because she's a true eccentric and would have been regardless of her gender. She was an 11 year old antique expert for Christ's sakes!

3. Sophie Anderton-
Sophie tells us that she's done every magazine there is and while I don't doubt her, I mostly know her as an ex-model who had a serious coke addiction, was possibly a call girl and chased after Callum Best on Celebrity Love Island.
She tries to come up with something interesting to set her apart from the other housemates but only manages to come up with the tantalising tit-bit that she “hates BO”.
Just before Emma sends her up the stairs and into the house, Sophie exclaims “I can be quite boring”. Great.

It's at this point we have a little breather as it's time to put the celebrities into the 'temple'. We also see Lauren sipping on some tap water- it's VIP this year guys!

4. Vicky Entwistle & Bruce Jones/ Janice & Les Battersby
Vicky tells us about her West End success in Les Mis and Bruce touches on his battle with alcoholism. They seem sweet and there's not really anything to dis-like about them. I think they'll both find a place in the house as 'the parents' and it'll probably get them to the halfway point.
The most interesting part of their entry into the house is when Marcus Bentley casually slips in that Bruce has kissed Diana Ross.

5. Courtney Stodden
Now, I was aware of Courtney Stodden prior to her entry into the house due to my unfortunate mid-afternoon Daily Mail sidebar-of-shame habit. After many exclamations of “Who is this chick?” I concluded three things about her; she has a large collection of perspex shoes, she ain't afraid to rock an arm bangle and she married an old guy.
For those not in the know, Courtney married that guy from The Green Mile (I believe he's also known as Doug Hutchinson) when she was 16 years old. He was 51. She cites this as the reason why she has attracted the attention of the media, and the police too I would imagine.
She says that people have become obsessed with her, but I suspect that the only person who is actually guilty of this is Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden totters out of the eye, to MY song, with her boobs looking exceptionally painful and wearing shoes that look like the kind they give to people who have one leg longer than the other. According to Marcus Bentley she refuses to eat anything with a face, including her husband presumably.
Speaking of her husband, I really hope that BB don't put him in the house. Let her try to be something other than that girl who married that guy from The Green Mile when she was sixteen.

6. Abz, from 5ive
Ah. My first love. Abz was my first crush, but by the time I'd hit the age of consent he was no where to be seen. For those struggling to recall, he was the one in 5ive that rapped a bit.
After going through the inevitable post-boy band black hole he has now swapped drugs for gardening and is living with his Aunty Wendy and her dogs. Admitting to Emma that he was taking part in order to earn a bit of cash seemed to win him some crowd support and he could be a possible winner in my humble opinion. Providing he doesn't succumb to the curse of the early touted winner and spend all day sleeping, he's one to watch.
And not just because I still fancy him a bit.

7. Danielle Marr
Was in Dublin Wives. Is a botox doctor.

8. Dustin Diamond/ Screech from Saved By The Bell
Dustin says he is best recognised for playing Screech, however I think most of us would read that as only recognised for playing Screech. He's tried his best to cover his face with a beard, but no, he's still Screech.
I kinda like him for admitting that he released a faux sex tape to make some money but I have a feeling that he might be a bit of disappointment. After all, we all loved Screech, not Dustin.
Also, why the fuck didn't BB have him walk out to the Saved By The Bell theme?

9. Charlotte Crosby
*Sigh* Where to start with this one? She really seems to have got people talking.
Now, I did one of my dissertations on Geordie Shore (and they said that Media & Cultural Studies was a soft subject?) so I have some pretty lengthy opinions on the programme and it's cast but I will try to keep this short.
I actually don't mind/ kind of like Charlotte. She is seemingly immune from experiencing embarrassment and she's willing to make a fool out of herself, which is perfect for BB really.
I saw a lot of unfair tweets directed at Charlotte but it really should be remembered that Geordie Shore is heavily scripted. Did you really think that the cast come up with those metaphors on their own? Consequently, as the series has continued, Charlotte has developed 'Charlotte from Geordie Shore' as a character and she's encouraged to tell us that she's pissed herself or wants a “cock in every orifice”; not only by producers but also by the fact that acting in this way is how she pays her bills. It's easy to scoff at her for portraying herself as practically incontinent, but that's what she's used to doing. I'm hoping BB will give her chance to spread her wings like a damp little butterfly and prove that there's a little more to her.

10. Mario Falcone
Mario, who usually stars in The Only Way Is Essex, opens his VT by saying that BB will be the first time that people see him looking like an idiot. The fact that he doesn't realise that most of the things that he's done and said on TOWIE make him look like an idiot, makes him an idiot. Really, there are a lot of idiot moments to choose from.
He let's us all know that he's 100% single, but to anyone who's watched him on TOWIE that won't mean much.
Mario, like Charlotte, is going to have the chance to write his own script for this reality TV show, but unlike Charlotte, I think he will fade into the background and only prove that he's not that much of a dick and is actually a little bit boring.

We cut to the temple at this point, where Sophie is saying that she wants to put her PJs on.

11. Carol McGiffin
Carol was always going to pop up in the CBB house at some point, so it's nice to see that she stopped fighting the inevitable. As low as my opinion is of Loose Women as a show, I actually don't mind Carol McGiffin. She's the one of the most feminist-y of the bunch and is fairly politically aware so she gets some points from me. Also, she hates the term 'cougar'- well done Carol, another point for you.
Having clearly been hooked up to an intravenous drip of wine all evening Carol was slightly squiffy when she stepped into the house and proudly started naming people that she knew “Charlotte! Mario! Vicky!”, which made is all the more awkward when she encountered people that she didn't know.

12. Ron Atkinson
As I've pretty much spent my whole life bypassing anything to do with football, Ron Atkinson was only brought to my attention a quite few years ago when he said, believing his microphone to be switched off, “he is what is known in some schools as a lazy little n*****”. He was sacked from his job as a football commentator, issued an apology and maintained that the comment was 'throwaway'. Ok Ron, maybe you misjudged that one a bit.
Or maybe, you're just a bit racist, as a few months after this you said “I don't understand why there is such a population problem in China as they have the best contraception going; Chinese women are the ugliest in the world.”
I normally pair such ignorance with other delightful beliefs such as homophobia and transphobia, so Lauren and Louis, let rip.
He says that he's irritated by 'stupidness' and likes the finer things in life. I'll leave those comments with you.
Finally, he scoffs at the thought of doing any cooking or cleaning, so we can add misogynist to the list too.


Not content with letting the housemates just talk to each other, BB asks the housemates to decide which two housemates are the most famous and that these two will be rewarded with special sleeping quarters. The housemates agree, kind of, on Bruce and Vicky and it's revealed that they will be sleeping on a four poster bed out in the garden for their first night.

So, to quote Emma, there are our housemates.  

CBB- Triple Tradition...sorry, Twist.

Rumour mills are churning out the rather tiresome rumour that there will be a ‘Triple Twist” during tonight’s launch show. Of course there will be, there always is. The most shocking thing producers could do by now is put the housemates in, fill ‘em up with cheap alcohol and leave them be.

But what if the twist is really original, creative and firework-inducing I hear you cry? It’s a secret house. 
The same kind of secret house they used in the last series of civilian BB AND last year’s CBB. The kind of secret house where housemates are smuggled in, told not to make a sound and are forced to spend their days watching events unfold in the main house. You know, the kind they always use?

I have a couple of problems with this.

1. What is the point of a secret house at the beginning of the show? Assuming the housemates are near-enough complete strangers and know nothing other than what they’ve read in the press about each other then what is there for the secret housemates to spy on? Unless Big Brother awkwardly crowbar some kind of task in which they lead the housemates discussion, the main housemates won’t talk about the secret housemates because honestly, how many times a day does a Z-list celeb crop up in your conversations?
The first few days in the house are notoriously quiet and polite and the main topics of conversation include unpacking, bed sharing and last night’s sleep. Maybe “Do you want any toast?” if they’re all getting on really well. So unless a secret housemate has a real hatred for certain breakfast foods (“I can’t believe you have Marmite on your toast you fucking dick! Stay away from me bro, I’m done with you. Done.”) then I can’t see any housemates walking into the house all guns blazing.

2. We’ve done this now BB, we really have. If I was going into the house I would expect that at some point one of my fellow housemates would see me bitching about them (Yes, I’d be that type of housemate) because they’d been hiding in a secret room for three days.
To be fair to producers, I did think that the ‘Secrets and Lies’ theme of this year’s civilian BB was a good move. Not because it was particularly groundbreaking but more because it provided producers with a get-out clause if a twist was twisting in a way that they didn’t like; if they had pissed off viewers or were about to lose someone too early they could wade in and say “It was a lie guys! We take it back!” Who knows whether they’ll stick with this or re-package it as another theme, but with viewing figures waning every series, I wouldn’t blame them.


I can’t really be bothered to discuss most of the possible housemates for this years run; we all saw them pop up in the tabloids a month ago so I wouldn’t be saying anything new, however what I WILL say is that if rape-rapping Chris Fountain-Phantom goes in there I will flip a bloody lid. I’m all for misunderstood, controversial or disgraced celebrities risking what’s left of their careers to go into the house and have a chance to change our opinions of them (Michael Barrymore anyone?) but anyone trivially mentioning that they’ll “rape a bitch on her birthday” mid song, as well of a bunch of other shit that screams “I’m not just a middle class white male actor, I’m a rapper and I can trivialise the mistreatment of women just like Jeezy, take me seriously!”, has already made my mind up and I really don’t think watching them don a body condom and get electric shocks in the arse will change it.

So, let’s bring out the housemates!

Unless they’re Chris Fountain.

"I wouldn't kill a puppy, but I'd probably kill a cat" - Crazy About One Direction

 Crazy About One Direction had all the markings of a standard Channel 4 documentary right from the start; a “Where do I know that voice from?” narrator, cheery yet thoughtful music and talking head chats, yet it seemed to get everyone talking.  Coinciding with the release of “This Is Us”, known to everyone else as ‘the One Direction film’, Crazy About One Direction interviews and follows self confessed Directioners as they pine, queue, wait, pine, cry, queue and pine. 

 We see the girls (all girls, apparently Channel 4 couldn’t find one male Directioner anywhere in the UK and therefore perpetuating the myth that it’s only teenage girls who have hormone-pickled, crazy brains) sitting on their beds, telling us how much they love the boys. Points to the girls who say “I would even go to Australia to meet them” (if that’s not dedication…) and “I wouldn’t kill a puppy to meet them, but I’d probably kill a cat. Ok, a goldfish then” (dogs around the UK can breathe a sigh of relief, cats and goldfish be on your guard.) as these are the most bonkers yet delightfully innocent and unaware statements made throughout the whole programme. 

 Let me just make a disclaimer right here- I actually don’t find much in this documentary too disturbing. Hysterical generic statements such as “Nothing else matters but them” or “They’re all I think about” are in my opinion all part of being an over-dramatic teenage girl. I don’t see them as warnings of homicidal tendencies but more as statements that at the time feel completely true to you and your hormone pickled mind but 5 years later will be something your race to delete from a forgotten MySpace, Bebo, or for this generation, Twitter page.

"To be a Directioner you need Twitter and a phone charger.” 

The girls use detective skills that would rival those found in an ITV crime drama to find out where the boys are, which hotel they’re staying in and what food they’re ordering; one fan excitedly tells Niall that she “went through” his Nandos. The secret to their success? “Twitter, time, effort and a phone charger” cites a Directioner earnestly to camera.  Using Twitter the girls have found out useful morsels of information such as the boys’ blood types, where their mothers live and their penis size (sorry girls, but I think these might be false).  

  We then follow Sandra on a Twitter-led pilgrimage to Harry’s hometown, where she kisses a bakery that Harry might have visited, a bench that Harry might have sat on and a pavement that Harry probably walked on. She declares that everything else doesn’t matter, although I would argue that a tetanus shot might. 

  Using a technique that I’ve never seen Poirot employ, the girls chase a woman dressed head to toe in office wear from Next (the true uniform of an adult) wailing hopefully “Do you know One Direction?” They have some success as the lady tells them that she’s on the way to the One Direction press conference, the fool, but she quickens her pace and manages to escape before one of them tries to climb into her laptop bag. 

"I hate her.”

  I have since read some pieces on the show that offer the One Direction fandom as some sort of sisterhood; a place where girls support each other, trade stories and in general just have a good time. Whilst this is probably true of established friendship group, there does seem to be an air of tension between fans.  We see this first upon the stony faces of Sandra and her friends when their camera time is interrupted by another Directioner proudly displaying unflatteringly lit selfies of her and the boys and again when some bedroom-bound Directioners state that other fans who have yet to meet the band “don’t put in enough effort”. With the cheapest ticket for the One Direction arena tour costing £42.50, I think it’s more a lack of cash than of effort that prevent some fans from meeting the objects of their affection. 

  An area where there is a notable lack of ‘sisterhood’ is when the topic of the boys’ girlfriends is tentatively raised. The main focus of the animosity seems to be Taylor Swift, who is accused of using Harry for song-writing material and also, oddly, of liking antiques, as a Directioner side-eyes “I hate her. She’s into antiques, so I don’t think she’s my kind of person”. The general consensus between the Directioners is that it’s a case of good riddance to Taylor Swift, that antique-loving bitch. This doesn’t sound very sisterhood-y to me. 

  What I would see as a more encouraging target for the Directioners resentment is actually One Direction themselves. The climax of the documentary is One Direction’s “Big Announcement” (*spoiler* it was a world tour) and after waiting outside the press conference for hours hoping to meet the boys, Directioners show building frustration and disillusion.  There are tears, bag throwing and some moody walking off in no direction (get it?) as well as sound bytes like “Without us they wouldn’t be here and they won’t even meet us” and “we don’t get anything back”. To me this says that the girls have some sort of Destiny’s Child-esque sense of worth and will soon be out of the Directioner game for good.

Larry Stylinson 

One aspect of the fandom that I found the most intriguing was the Larry relationship. For those thinking that this is a secret, ugly, sixth member let me clarify- “Larry Stylinson” is the fantasy pairing of Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles  in a sexual or non-sexual relationship. Fans write stories, create videos and graphics that either show Larry in the midst of an undying bromance or a passionate tryst. Whilst many on Twitter found this to be one of the more disturbing aspects of the show, I found it, for want of a better phrase, kinda cool.  

For years I have watched my peers show even the slightest cringe at the image of two men kissing because it was so rarely seen in pop culture and I think that the fact that teenage girls are creating this content themselves and are detailing the most intimate aspects of a gay relationship should be celebrated, rather than discouraged. Rather than buying into the pure bullshit that’s slopped into magazines aimed at teen girls and pairing themselves with the boys, these fans are pairing the guys up with each other. Maybe for some it provides a possible reason as to why Harry/Niall/Zayne/Liam/Louis (pick your favourite) hasn’t come knocking at their door yet, but unrequited love is all part of growing up right? 

Now, I’m not naïve enough to assume that all, if any, of the girls who ‘ship’ Larry are doing so to challenge hetero-relationship gender norms and I’m aware that some might be doing it simply because that’s what gets them off. If that’s the case then you do your thing ladies. As a teenage girl you’re aware that boys fantasise during their teenage years, because all they talk about at the back of French for three years is “having a wank”, whereas girls are altogether more coy about their masturbatory activities. Exploring your sexuality is what your teenage years are for and if writing lines such as “Harry ground his hips into Louis’ forcefully, feeling Louis’ bulge on his thigh” sends these girls in the right direction (get it?) then long may they continue.  

Of course, what the documentary doesn’t hint at is that most of them won’t continue. I would imagine that in 5 years time, if Channel 4 were to carry out some sort of follow up investigation, that most of the girls would have ‘grown out of it’. I can only speak for myself, but my teenage years were a hysterical blur and I don’t even remember most of the stuff that I would’ve killed a pet or gone to Australia for. 

I believe that some of my feelings after watching the show are summed up rather well by one of the fans’ dogs. Whilst we hear the girl declare her spiritual connection to One Direction and say “nothing else matters but them” we see her dog lift his head for a second, before seemingly rolling his eyes and settling his head back onto her duvet, giving the camera a look that seems to say “Bless her”.  
Really, bless them. 
Yes, I am aware of some of the hateful, disturbing and down-right bonkers things that Directioners have tweeted to their idols and those affiliated with them, but you only have to read last week’s papers to see that abusive tweeting is a not a hobby that is exclusively undertaken by teenage girls. 
Although I’m not claiming my free bus pass just yet, these girls are so heartbreaking-ly young that I find their fanatic behaviour quite endearing. It’s not their fault that they’re putting all of their emotions, time and money into winning the attention of five boys; we’re not really giving them much else to work with are we? Is it any surprise that Natasha says that she didn’t think she was beautiful until the boys sang it to her when teen magazines are full of depressing titles such as “School-friendly makeup looks” and “How to make him dig you”?  
As if to underline the whole programme, just before the piece de resistance that is all the Directioners miming with longing eyes to One Direction’s ‘Little Things’, Sandra declares that One Direction are her identity. Five twenty year old boys are her identity. With those five ever-cheeky faces being plastered onto magazines, TV screens, cosmetic lines, stationery, bed linen, clothing and even toothpaste all marketed at teenage girls, I can forgive Sandra for assuming that to be a teenage girl is to be a One Direction fan, but for the love of God can we give her some other options please?