"I wouldn't kill a puppy, but I'd probably kill a cat" - Crazy About One Direction

 Crazy About One Direction had all the markings of a standard Channel 4 documentary right from the start; a “Where do I know that voice from?” narrator, cheery yet thoughtful music and talking head chats, yet it seemed to get everyone talking.  Coinciding with the release of “This Is Us”, known to everyone else as ‘the One Direction film’, Crazy About One Direction interviews and follows self confessed Directioners as they pine, queue, wait, pine, cry, queue and pine. 

 We see the girls (all girls, apparently Channel 4 couldn’t find one male Directioner anywhere in the UK and therefore perpetuating the myth that it’s only teenage girls who have hormone-pickled, crazy brains) sitting on their beds, telling us how much they love the boys. Points to the girls who say “I would even go to Australia to meet them” (if that’s not dedication…) and “I wouldn’t kill a puppy to meet them, but I’d probably kill a cat. Ok, a goldfish then” (dogs around the UK can breathe a sigh of relief, cats and goldfish be on your guard.) as these are the most bonkers yet delightfully innocent and unaware statements made throughout the whole programme. 

 Let me just make a disclaimer right here- I actually don’t find much in this documentary too disturbing. Hysterical generic statements such as “Nothing else matters but them” or “They’re all I think about” are in my opinion all part of being an over-dramatic teenage girl. I don’t see them as warnings of homicidal tendencies but more as statements that at the time feel completely true to you and your hormone pickled mind but 5 years later will be something your race to delete from a forgotten MySpace, Bebo, or for this generation, Twitter page.

"To be a Directioner you need Twitter and a phone charger.” 

The girls use detective skills that would rival those found in an ITV crime drama to find out where the boys are, which hotel they’re staying in and what food they’re ordering; one fan excitedly tells Niall that she “went through” his Nandos. The secret to their success? “Twitter, time, effort and a phone charger” cites a Directioner earnestly to camera.  Using Twitter the girls have found out useful morsels of information such as the boys’ blood types, where their mothers live and their penis size (sorry girls, but I think these might be false).  

  We then follow Sandra on a Twitter-led pilgrimage to Harry’s hometown, where she kisses a bakery that Harry might have visited, a bench that Harry might have sat on and a pavement that Harry probably walked on. She declares that everything else doesn’t matter, although I would argue that a tetanus shot might. 

  Using a technique that I’ve never seen Poirot employ, the girls chase a woman dressed head to toe in office wear from Next (the true uniform of an adult) wailing hopefully “Do you know One Direction?” They have some success as the lady tells them that she’s on the way to the One Direction press conference, the fool, but she quickens her pace and manages to escape before one of them tries to climb into her laptop bag. 

"I hate her.”

  I have since read some pieces on the show that offer the One Direction fandom as some sort of sisterhood; a place where girls support each other, trade stories and in general just have a good time. Whilst this is probably true of established friendship group, there does seem to be an air of tension between fans.  We see this first upon the stony faces of Sandra and her friends when their camera time is interrupted by another Directioner proudly displaying unflatteringly lit selfies of her and the boys and again when some bedroom-bound Directioners state that other fans who have yet to meet the band “don’t put in enough effort”. With the cheapest ticket for the One Direction arena tour costing £42.50, I think it’s more a lack of cash than of effort that prevent some fans from meeting the objects of their affection. 

  An area where there is a notable lack of ‘sisterhood’ is when the topic of the boys’ girlfriends is tentatively raised. The main focus of the animosity seems to be Taylor Swift, who is accused of using Harry for song-writing material and also, oddly, of liking antiques, as a Directioner side-eyes “I hate her. She’s into antiques, so I don’t think she’s my kind of person”. The general consensus between the Directioners is that it’s a case of good riddance to Taylor Swift, that antique-loving bitch. This doesn’t sound very sisterhood-y to me. 

  What I would see as a more encouraging target for the Directioners resentment is actually One Direction themselves. The climax of the documentary is One Direction’s “Big Announcement” (*spoiler* it was a world tour) and after waiting outside the press conference for hours hoping to meet the boys, Directioners show building frustration and disillusion.  There are tears, bag throwing and some moody walking off in no direction (get it?) as well as sound bytes like “Without us they wouldn’t be here and they won’t even meet us” and “we don’t get anything back”. To me this says that the girls have some sort of Destiny’s Child-esque sense of worth and will soon be out of the Directioner game for good.

Larry Stylinson 

One aspect of the fandom that I found the most intriguing was the Larry relationship. For those thinking that this is a secret, ugly, sixth member let me clarify- “Larry Stylinson” is the fantasy pairing of Louis Tomlinson and Harry Styles  in a sexual or non-sexual relationship. Fans write stories, create videos and graphics that either show Larry in the midst of an undying bromance or a passionate tryst. Whilst many on Twitter found this to be one of the more disturbing aspects of the show, I found it, for want of a better phrase, kinda cool.  

For years I have watched my peers show even the slightest cringe at the image of two men kissing because it was so rarely seen in pop culture and I think that the fact that teenage girls are creating this content themselves and are detailing the most intimate aspects of a gay relationship should be celebrated, rather than discouraged. Rather than buying into the pure bullshit that’s slopped into magazines aimed at teen girls and pairing themselves with the boys, these fans are pairing the guys up with each other. Maybe for some it provides a possible reason as to why Harry/Niall/Zayne/Liam/Louis (pick your favourite) hasn’t come knocking at their door yet, but unrequited love is all part of growing up right? 

Now, I’m not naïve enough to assume that all, if any, of the girls who ‘ship’ Larry are doing so to challenge hetero-relationship gender norms and I’m aware that some might be doing it simply because that’s what gets them off. If that’s the case then you do your thing ladies. As a teenage girl you’re aware that boys fantasise during their teenage years, because all they talk about at the back of French for three years is “having a wank”, whereas girls are altogether more coy about their masturbatory activities. Exploring your sexuality is what your teenage years are for and if writing lines such as “Harry ground his hips into Louis’ forcefully, feeling Louis’ bulge on his thigh” sends these girls in the right direction (get it?) then long may they continue.  

Of course, what the documentary doesn’t hint at is that most of them won’t continue. I would imagine that in 5 years time, if Channel 4 were to carry out some sort of follow up investigation, that most of the girls would have ‘grown out of it’. I can only speak for myself, but my teenage years were a hysterical blur and I don’t even remember most of the stuff that I would’ve killed a pet or gone to Australia for. 

I believe that some of my feelings after watching the show are summed up rather well by one of the fans’ dogs. Whilst we hear the girl declare her spiritual connection to One Direction and say “nothing else matters but them” we see her dog lift his head for a second, before seemingly rolling his eyes and settling his head back onto her duvet, giving the camera a look that seems to say “Bless her”.  
Really, bless them. 
Yes, I am aware of some of the hateful, disturbing and down-right bonkers things that Directioners have tweeted to their idols and those affiliated with them, but you only have to read last week’s papers to see that abusive tweeting is a not a hobby that is exclusively undertaken by teenage girls. 
Although I’m not claiming my free bus pass just yet, these girls are so heartbreaking-ly young that I find their fanatic behaviour quite endearing. It’s not their fault that they’re putting all of their emotions, time and money into winning the attention of five boys; we’re not really giving them much else to work with are we? Is it any surprise that Natasha says that she didn’t think she was beautiful until the boys sang it to her when teen magazines are full of depressing titles such as “School-friendly makeup looks” and “How to make him dig you”?  
As if to underline the whole programme, just before the piece de resistance that is all the Directioners miming with longing eyes to One Direction’s ‘Little Things’, Sandra declares that One Direction are her identity. Five twenty year old boys are her identity. With those five ever-cheeky faces being plastered onto magazines, TV screens, cosmetic lines, stationery, bed linen, clothing and even toothpaste all marketed at teenage girls, I can forgive Sandra for assuming that to be a teenage girl is to be a One Direction fan, but for the love of God can we give her some other options please?