Launch night kicked off with a cringe
inducing intro that I suspect was aiming to be a witty social
commentary on our attitudes towards celebrities, but instead came off
as a weird, budget perfume ad. Stop making Emma do this BB, she's
better than this.
After a bit of cheering and a few crow-barred puns the big twist was finally revealed! As suspected, or leaked, it was a secret house! This series the secret house has been repackaged as a 'temple' and the first three celebs to enter the house will be stuffed into the temple and given the “privilege of power” and will decide who goes up for nomination. Well, that makes a change.
Now for the good stuff; the housemates.
1. Louis Spence-
It was only a matter of time before Louis pirouetted his way into the house really wasn't it? He tells us in his VT that he's not this 'on' all of the time and he warns that his balls might fall out of his pants.
He's my grandma's favourite gay man. Why? Because he's everything that people of her generation, or the more close minded of younger generations, expect a gay man to be. By being the physical embodiment of 'camp' in its purest form Louis has turned himself into a caricature. He doesn't seem like a 'real' person and so has won the approval of people who say things like “Honestly, I love them! I don't have a problem with them!”, because he's just a bit of fun. A little like when people 'awww' at Winnie The Pooh because he's cute, but they wouldn't want to be anywhere near a bear in real life.
If he drops the façade or experiences a mini breakdown then he could make for an interesting house mate, but if he spends the whole time clicking his fingers and rubbing himself on the furniture then he will have to go.
2. Lauren Harries-
Yes, yes, YES! Has there ever been a more perfect house mate?
Lauren's intro shows an almost ghostly image of Lauren as a 12 year old boy claiming that “Antiques should show wear and tear, they should look old”, giving the whole thing a 'Ghost of Christmas future' type feel. She says “a lot of people don't like me, I don't know why.” Well Lauren, it's probably because you were born a male who felt like female and so became female; that sort of shit scares people. Ignorant people.
I don't think that Lauren will be a great housemate just because she's trans-gender, although that will make for some interesting conversations should she want to share her experiences, but I think she'll make a great housemate because she's a true eccentric and would have been regardless of her gender. She was an 11 year old antique expert for Christ's sakes!
3. Sophie Anderton-
Sophie tells us that she's done every magazine there is and while I don't doubt her, I mostly know her as an ex-model who had a serious coke addiction, was possibly a call girl and chased after Callum Best on Celebrity Love Island.
She tries to come up with something interesting to set her apart from the other housemates but only manages to come up with the tantalising tit-bit that she “hates BO”.
Just before Emma sends her up the stairs and into the house, Sophie exclaims “I can be quite boring”. Great.
After a bit of cheering and a few crow-barred puns the big twist was finally revealed! As suspected, or leaked, it was a secret house! This series the secret house has been repackaged as a 'temple' and the first three celebs to enter the house will be stuffed into the temple and given the “privilege of power” and will decide who goes up for nomination. Well, that makes a change.
Now for the good stuff; the housemates.
1. Louis Spence-
It was only a matter of time before Louis pirouetted his way into the house really wasn't it? He tells us in his VT that he's not this 'on' all of the time and he warns that his balls might fall out of his pants.
He's my grandma's favourite gay man. Why? Because he's everything that people of her generation, or the more close minded of younger generations, expect a gay man to be. By being the physical embodiment of 'camp' in its purest form Louis has turned himself into a caricature. He doesn't seem like a 'real' person and so has won the approval of people who say things like “Honestly, I love them! I don't have a problem with them!”, because he's just a bit of fun. A little like when people 'awww' at Winnie The Pooh because he's cute, but they wouldn't want to be anywhere near a bear in real life.
If he drops the façade or experiences a mini breakdown then he could make for an interesting house mate, but if he spends the whole time clicking his fingers and rubbing himself on the furniture then he will have to go.
2. Lauren Harries-
Yes, yes, YES! Has there ever been a more perfect house mate?
Lauren's intro shows an almost ghostly image of Lauren as a 12 year old boy claiming that “Antiques should show wear and tear, they should look old”, giving the whole thing a 'Ghost of Christmas future' type feel. She says “a lot of people don't like me, I don't know why.” Well Lauren, it's probably because you were born a male who felt like female and so became female; that sort of shit scares people. Ignorant people.
I don't think that Lauren will be a great housemate just because she's trans-gender, although that will make for some interesting conversations should she want to share her experiences, but I think she'll make a great housemate because she's a true eccentric and would have been regardless of her gender. She was an 11 year old antique expert for Christ's sakes!
3. Sophie Anderton-
Sophie tells us that she's done every magazine there is and while I don't doubt her, I mostly know her as an ex-model who had a serious coke addiction, was possibly a call girl and chased after Callum Best on Celebrity Love Island.
She tries to come up with something interesting to set her apart from the other housemates but only manages to come up with the tantalising tit-bit that she “hates BO”.
Just before Emma sends her up the stairs and into the house, Sophie exclaims “I can be quite boring”. Great.
It's at this point we have a little
breather as it's time to put the celebrities into the 'temple'. We
also see Lauren sipping on some tap water- it's VIP this year
guys!
4. Vicky Entwistle & Bruce Jones/ Janice & Les Battersby
Vicky tells us about her West End success in Les Mis and Bruce touches on his battle with alcoholism. They seem sweet and there's not really anything to dis-like about them. I think they'll both find a place in the house as 'the parents' and it'll probably get them to the halfway point.
The most interesting part of their entry into the house is when Marcus Bentley casually slips in that Bruce has kissed Diana Ross.
5. Courtney Stodden
Now, I was aware of Courtney Stodden prior to her entry into the house due to my unfortunate mid-afternoon Daily Mail sidebar-of-shame habit. After many exclamations of “Who is this chick?” I concluded three things about her; she has a large collection of perspex shoes, she ain't afraid to rock an arm bangle and she married an old guy.
For those not in the know, Courtney married that guy from The Green Mile (I believe he's also known as Doug Hutchinson) when she was 16 years old. He was 51. She cites this as the reason why she has attracted the attention of the media, and the police too I would imagine.
She says that people have become obsessed with her, but I suspect that the only person who is actually guilty of this is Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden totters out of the eye, to MY song, with her boobs looking exceptionally painful and wearing shoes that look like the kind they give to people who have one leg longer than the other. According to Marcus Bentley she refuses to eat anything with a face, including her husband presumably.
Speaking of her husband, I really hope that BB don't put him in the house. Let her try to be something other than that girl who married that guy from The Green Mile when she was sixteen.
6. Abz, from 5ive
Ah. My first love. Abz was my first crush, but by the time I'd hit the age of consent he was no where to be seen. For those struggling to recall, he was the one in 5ive that rapped a bit.
After going through the inevitable post-boy band black hole he has now swapped drugs for gardening and is living with his Aunty Wendy and her dogs. Admitting to Emma that he was taking part in order to earn a bit of cash seemed to win him some crowd support and he could be a possible winner in my humble opinion. Providing he doesn't succumb to the curse of the early touted winner and spend all day sleeping, he's one to watch.
And not just because I still fancy him a bit.
7. Danielle Marr
Was in Dublin Wives. Is a botox doctor.
8. Dustin Diamond/ Screech from Saved By The Bell
Dustin says he is best recognised for playing Screech, however I think most of us would read that as only recognised for playing Screech. He's tried his best to cover his face with a beard, but no, he's still Screech.
I kinda like him for admitting that he released a faux sex tape to make some money but I have a feeling that he might be a bit of disappointment. After all, we all loved Screech, not Dustin.
Also, why the fuck didn't BB have him walk out to the Saved By The Bell theme?
9. Charlotte Crosby
*Sigh* Where to start with this one? She really seems to have got people talking.
Now, I did one of my dissertations on Geordie Shore (and they said that Media & Cultural Studies was a soft subject?) so I have some pretty lengthy opinions on the programme and it's cast but I will try to keep this short.
I actually don't mind/ kind of like Charlotte. She is seemingly immune from experiencing embarrassment and she's willing to make a fool out of herself, which is perfect for BB really.
I saw a lot of unfair tweets directed at Charlotte but it really should be remembered that Geordie Shore is heavily scripted. Did you really think that the cast come up with those metaphors on their own? Consequently, as the series has continued, Charlotte has developed 'Charlotte from Geordie Shore' as a character and she's encouraged to tell us that she's pissed herself or wants a “cock in every orifice”; not only by producers but also by the fact that acting in this way is how she pays her bills. It's easy to scoff at her for portraying herself as practically incontinent, but that's what she's used to doing. I'm hoping BB will give her chance to spread her wings like a damp little butterfly and prove that there's a little more to her.
10. Mario Falcone
Mario, who usually stars in The Only Way Is Essex, opens his VT by saying that BB will be the first time that people see him looking like an idiot. The fact that he doesn't realise that most of the things that he's done and said on TOWIE make him look like an idiot, makes him an idiot. Really, there are a lot of idiot moments to choose from.
He let's us all know that he's 100% single, but to anyone who's watched him on TOWIE that won't mean much.
Mario, like Charlotte, is going to have the chance to write his own script for this reality TV show, but unlike Charlotte, I think he will fade into the background and only prove that he's not that much of a dick and is actually a little bit boring.
We cut to the temple at this point, where Sophie is saying that she wants to put her PJs on.
11. Carol McGiffin
Carol was always going to pop up in the CBB house at some point, so it's nice to see that she stopped fighting the inevitable. As low as my opinion is of Loose Women as a show, I actually don't mind Carol McGiffin. She's the one of the most feminist-y of the bunch and is fairly politically aware so she gets some points from me. Also, she hates the term 'cougar'- well done Carol, another point for you.
Having clearly been hooked up to an intravenous drip of wine all evening Carol was slightly squiffy when she stepped into the house and proudly started naming people that she knew “Charlotte! Mario! Vicky!”, which made is all the more awkward when she encountered people that she didn't know.
12. Ron Atkinson
As I've pretty much spent my whole life bypassing anything to do with football, Ron Atkinson was only brought to my attention a quite few years ago when he said, believing his microphone to be switched off, “he is what is known in some schools as a lazy little n*****”. He was sacked from his job as a football commentator, issued an apology and maintained that the comment was 'throwaway'. Ok Ron, maybe you misjudged that one a bit.
Or maybe, you're just a bit racist, as a few months after this you said “I don't understand why there is such a population problem in China as they have the best contraception going; Chinese women are the ugliest in the world.”
I normally pair such ignorance with other delightful beliefs such as homophobia and transphobia, so Lauren and Louis, let rip.
He says that he's irritated by 'stupidness' and likes the finer things in life. I'll leave those comments with you.
Finally, he scoffs at the thought of doing any cooking or cleaning, so we can add misogynist to the list too.
Not content with letting the housemates just talk to each other, BB asks the housemates to decide which two housemates are the most famous and that these two will be rewarded with special sleeping quarters. The housemates agree, kind of, on Bruce and Vicky and it's revealed that they will be sleeping on a four poster bed out in the garden for their first night.
So, to quote Emma, there are our housemates.
4. Vicky Entwistle & Bruce Jones/ Janice & Les Battersby
Vicky tells us about her West End success in Les Mis and Bruce touches on his battle with alcoholism. They seem sweet and there's not really anything to dis-like about them. I think they'll both find a place in the house as 'the parents' and it'll probably get them to the halfway point.
The most interesting part of their entry into the house is when Marcus Bentley casually slips in that Bruce has kissed Diana Ross.
5. Courtney Stodden
Now, I was aware of Courtney Stodden prior to her entry into the house due to my unfortunate mid-afternoon Daily Mail sidebar-of-shame habit. After many exclamations of “Who is this chick?” I concluded three things about her; she has a large collection of perspex shoes, she ain't afraid to rock an arm bangle and she married an old guy.
For those not in the know, Courtney married that guy from The Green Mile (I believe he's also known as Doug Hutchinson) when she was 16 years old. He was 51. She cites this as the reason why she has attracted the attention of the media, and the police too I would imagine.
She says that people have become obsessed with her, but I suspect that the only person who is actually guilty of this is Courtney Stodden.
Courtney Stodden totters out of the eye, to MY song, with her boobs looking exceptionally painful and wearing shoes that look like the kind they give to people who have one leg longer than the other. According to Marcus Bentley she refuses to eat anything with a face, including her husband presumably.
Speaking of her husband, I really hope that BB don't put him in the house. Let her try to be something other than that girl who married that guy from The Green Mile when she was sixteen.
6. Abz, from 5ive
Ah. My first love. Abz was my first crush, but by the time I'd hit the age of consent he was no where to be seen. For those struggling to recall, he was the one in 5ive that rapped a bit.
After going through the inevitable post-boy band black hole he has now swapped drugs for gardening and is living with his Aunty Wendy and her dogs. Admitting to Emma that he was taking part in order to earn a bit of cash seemed to win him some crowd support and he could be a possible winner in my humble opinion. Providing he doesn't succumb to the curse of the early touted winner and spend all day sleeping, he's one to watch.
And not just because I still fancy him a bit.
7. Danielle Marr
Was in Dublin Wives. Is a botox doctor.
8. Dustin Diamond/ Screech from Saved By The Bell
Dustin says he is best recognised for playing Screech, however I think most of us would read that as only recognised for playing Screech. He's tried his best to cover his face with a beard, but no, he's still Screech.
I kinda like him for admitting that he released a faux sex tape to make some money but I have a feeling that he might be a bit of disappointment. After all, we all loved Screech, not Dustin.
Also, why the fuck didn't BB have him walk out to the Saved By The Bell theme?
9. Charlotte Crosby
*Sigh* Where to start with this one? She really seems to have got people talking.
Now, I did one of my dissertations on Geordie Shore (and they said that Media & Cultural Studies was a soft subject?) so I have some pretty lengthy opinions on the programme and it's cast but I will try to keep this short.
I actually don't mind/ kind of like Charlotte. She is seemingly immune from experiencing embarrassment and she's willing to make a fool out of herself, which is perfect for BB really.
I saw a lot of unfair tweets directed at Charlotte but it really should be remembered that Geordie Shore is heavily scripted. Did you really think that the cast come up with those metaphors on their own? Consequently, as the series has continued, Charlotte has developed 'Charlotte from Geordie Shore' as a character and she's encouraged to tell us that she's pissed herself or wants a “cock in every orifice”; not only by producers but also by the fact that acting in this way is how she pays her bills. It's easy to scoff at her for portraying herself as practically incontinent, but that's what she's used to doing. I'm hoping BB will give her chance to spread her wings like a damp little butterfly and prove that there's a little more to her.
10. Mario Falcone
Mario, who usually stars in The Only Way Is Essex, opens his VT by saying that BB will be the first time that people see him looking like an idiot. The fact that he doesn't realise that most of the things that he's done and said on TOWIE make him look like an idiot, makes him an idiot. Really, there are a lot of idiot moments to choose from.
He let's us all know that he's 100% single, but to anyone who's watched him on TOWIE that won't mean much.
Mario, like Charlotte, is going to have the chance to write his own script for this reality TV show, but unlike Charlotte, I think he will fade into the background and only prove that he's not that much of a dick and is actually a little bit boring.
We cut to the temple at this point, where Sophie is saying that she wants to put her PJs on.
11. Carol McGiffin
Carol was always going to pop up in the CBB house at some point, so it's nice to see that she stopped fighting the inevitable. As low as my opinion is of Loose Women as a show, I actually don't mind Carol McGiffin. She's the one of the most feminist-y of the bunch and is fairly politically aware so she gets some points from me. Also, she hates the term 'cougar'- well done Carol, another point for you.
Having clearly been hooked up to an intravenous drip of wine all evening Carol was slightly squiffy when she stepped into the house and proudly started naming people that she knew “Charlotte! Mario! Vicky!”, which made is all the more awkward when she encountered people that she didn't know.
12. Ron Atkinson
As I've pretty much spent my whole life bypassing anything to do with football, Ron Atkinson was only brought to my attention a quite few years ago when he said, believing his microphone to be switched off, “he is what is known in some schools as a lazy little n*****”. He was sacked from his job as a football commentator, issued an apology and maintained that the comment was 'throwaway'. Ok Ron, maybe you misjudged that one a bit.
Or maybe, you're just a bit racist, as a few months after this you said “I don't understand why there is such a population problem in China as they have the best contraception going; Chinese women are the ugliest in the world.”
I normally pair such ignorance with other delightful beliefs such as homophobia and transphobia, so Lauren and Louis, let rip.
He says that he's irritated by 'stupidness' and likes the finer things in life. I'll leave those comments with you.
Finally, he scoffs at the thought of doing any cooking or cleaning, so we can add misogynist to the list too.
Not content with letting the housemates just talk to each other, BB asks the housemates to decide which two housemates are the most famous and that these two will be rewarded with special sleeping quarters. The housemates agree, kind of, on Bruce and Vicky and it's revealed that they will be sleeping on a four poster bed out in the garden for their first night.
So, to quote Emma, there are our housemates.
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