Tinder Surprise

“Tinder is a social discovery app that helps you meet new people. Tinder finds out who likes you near by and connects you with them if you are both interested, whether it's for dating, friendship or networking.”

Now, I'm not sure who wrote the Wikipedia description of Tinder, but I suspect that they still believe that the “smallest electric toothbrush” that keeps advertising really is used to maintain dental hygiene, as I highly doubt anyone is mindlessly scrolling through the Facebook pictures of locals in order to source business leads.
If Tinder is news to you then allow me to explain; you download the app, sync it with your Facebook profile, allowing it access to your location and profile pictures. It then searches for Tinder users in your local area and puts them into a little pile for you to sort through at your leisure. Swipe right to LIKE someone (insert a predictable and tedious Mr Right joke here) and swipe left to stamp NOPE across their face. If you've both right-swiped each other then congratulations, you've matched! You will now be allowed to talk and...network.

It was my own morbid curiosity that led me to download Tinder. Whilst I had no intention of meeting up with a match for casual sex, I wanted to know what all the fuss was about. Also, I gave into the nagging, suppressed part of my psyche that is constantly curious to know what other people think of me; the part that would lead me to stage a Ross Gellar style fake death in order to know what others would say about me. In short, I wanted to know if people would fancy me, ok?
I'd like to think of it as investigative journalism, but in reality it was me killing time whilst desperately sourcing freelance projects, swiping through photos of people I fancied when I was sixteen with one and eating mince pies with the other. T'is the season.
Given that I once left-swiped so much that the app actually crashed, I feel I've developed more than a few opinions on how you should and shouldn't market yourself on Tinder.

Tinder is all about judging a book by it's well lit, flatteringly shot, eighteen month old cover, a concept that is unfortunately lost on many users. Now, I'm not talking about people who haven't edited their face into Victoria's Secret/David Gandy oblivion, I'm talking about people like this guy-

Now is not the time to get experimental. The photo that's shot from behind as you look wistfully out to sea, the photo of you wearing your new ski mask on the lifts, the selfie you snapped to show off your skill at applying Halloween prosthetics; these could all result in a left-swipe.
If the only flattering photo you can find is one that was snapped by a 'photographer' at a student club night then that's fine, but for gods sake take the time to crop your friends off. Group photos don't work on Tinder and will lead to a self esteem crushing radio silence when you tell your match which one you are.
Also, guys who are posing with babies, children and animals; I see what you're doing and I ain't biting.

All this being said, don't underestimate the power of words; especially their ability to make someone fancy you (a truth that I have been trying to exploit for the last 7 years). You can post the triple threat photo combination of close up, formal wear and beach wear but it don't mean a thing if your bio box is blank. Your BBM pin doesn't count.
I'm not denying the difficulty of writing a 'bio', but if anyone can manage it then the Myspace generation can! If you're suffering from writers block then go for a humorous quote from a film or TV show (not Anchorman, it's been done. To death). If your match doesn't get the reference then they will hopefully think that you're being witty and irreverent, and if they do get it then at least you'll have something to talk about as they sheepishly scramble about trying to collect their clothes before they leave.
Try to keep it light, no one on Tinder is swiping through faces in order to find a quote that will inspire them to finally start their own business; they want to know how big your thigh gap is (I tried to think of the male equivalent for this but it turns out there isn't; we'll save that for another post). However, don't keep it so light that you type anything that resembles this-

If you manage to successfully navigate this giant game of snap and strike a match then congratulations, you've just done a Tinder! 

So, what happens next?
Turns out, not a whole lot. According to statistics only 1 in 5 Tinder users actually meet one of their matches in person, compared to 66% of people who meet using other online dating apps.
As bizarre as it sounds, I think that those figures are due to the fact that Tinder was quickly referred to as “the straight version of Grindr”; it's essentially a hook-up app, and the problem the with hook-up apps is that everyone using them is assumed to be, you know, DTF, but this just isn't always the case.
Whilst there are those who know what they want and when they want it (more power to ya!), the remaining 4/5s probably hit download due to vanity, boredom, curiosity or an urban myth of a guy who right-swiped a plain looking girl only to discover upon meeting her that she was a dead ringer for Miranda Kerr and the proceeded to go back to her penthouse apartment and have an orgy with her and her hot friends. This means that 80% of the faces you've swiped through aren't truly committed to the cause and that when faced with the choice between tarting themselves up and heading out into the November chill to meet a stranger for the possibility of anti-climactic sex or staying in to watch Gogglebox, they'll probably plump for the latter.

Ultimately, although described as a hook-up app, Tinder allows for one thing that the majority of actual one night stands don't; rational thought.
The two bottles of wine, the agony of seeing the holiday pictures of your ex and their new significant other pop up on Facebook earlier, the underlying chemistry you have with that guy who gave you a pen in a lecture 6 months ago, the fact that yesterday you realised that you have fat knees and need validating, missing the last tube; they're all missing on Tinder, and call me a traditionalist, but receiving a message asking whether you “fancy a bang” at 11:42am when you're sitting at your desk frantically trying to repair a spreadsheet that you didn't save properly yesterday just isn't the same.