Saturday 6 June 2015

A fail-safe way to know whether you're good at sex...

Something you might not know about me is that I spend a fair amount of time considering what people are like in bed.

And when I say ‘in bed’, I don’t mean whether they starfish or sleep with the duvet between their legs - I’m talking about what they’re like at sex.

I appreciate that this piece of information might make you feel simultaneously flattered and creeped out, but allow me to negate those feelings with one simple, but devastatingly true, statement - I don’t think about it because I want to sleep with you.

Because, seriously, I really don’t.

I approach it with the same morbid curiosity, and total objectivity, that makes people curious as to what people would say about them at their funeral (people would say nothing at my funeral - there would be a nationwide 24 hours silence, ended by the screams of my exes as they executed themselves samurai style in mourning and regret for what they lost).

Anyway, now that you know this about me you can more accurately imagine my delight when I read recently that scientists had taken a break from the important stuff to declare that ‘fans of toasted cheese sandwiches have a better sex life than those who don’t eat them’.

The reason that I have taken the results of this study as truth are twofold; 1, as someone who exclusively lived off of cheese toasties for around 7 months during my final year of university, and who still makes time for one at least once a week now, it reflects well on me and my sexual ability (although, granted, not my body or cholesterol) and 2. it has also, in many ways, legitimised the way that I use mundane tasks to judge a person’s sexual prowess and for that I am glad.

However, I do feel like it could’ve gone deeper*-  what do the enjoyment of other foods suggest about people’s sex lives?

Well, scientists, take a break - I’ve done the hard work here** and have compiled a list of what I believe are quite concrete indicators of someone’s ability to get you off based on what’s in their fridge.


- Mild cheese:
You are the worst at sex.

Mild cheese is actually better than you, as I can think of two reasons for why mild cheese exists; 1. To wrap around tablets so that a dog will eat them and 2. To fold up and wedge under a wonky table.

I can think of only one reason why anyone would want to have sex with you, and that is as a way of making relatively clean sheets legitimately dirtyso that they have an excuse to use the new ones that they bought last week and are super excited to sleep in, as they think they will really add something to the bedroom - unlike you and your insipid, too-soft sex.


- ‘Nom’:
Ok, not a food, but if that’s the kind of noise that you make, or type, when you’re about to eat anything that isn’t lettuce then the thought of what kind of noises you make when you’re about to do something that is 153-times better than a Whetherspoons burger makes me want to die.


- Hot sauce:
You recognise that, sometimes, things that are already pretty great could do with a little extra something to make them exceptional and for that you should be applauded - and banged.

You’re not afraid to add a couple of shakes of Sriracha to a tray of macaroni cheese, just like you’re not afraid to introduce a rogue angle or a light spanking, and you get the balance just right - correct amount and it’s lightly flushed faces all round; too much and things will start to burn and the whole evening is ruined.


- Boxed sushi:
To be fair to sushi (and we should be fair to it, because it’s delicious), this is not about the sushi itself - this is about the attitude that some people have when they eat sushi.

I enjoy a box of sad Tesco sushi at my desk as much as the next person but I am under no illusion that it makes me in any way cultured. Some people, however, are; they enquired about sushi once when visiting their shitty hometown and the fish-fearing locals have treated them like an international superstar ever since, and unfortunately they have massively bought into their own hype.

So, smug, creepy men on trains after 6pm; when you’re stabbing your final bits of discounted duck sushi into the tiny pool of soy sauce that you’ve poured into the lid, I’m imagining that you use your penis with the same amount of finesse - and I’m not into it, so stop looking at me.


- Coconut water:
Someone once told me that it’s not that bad if you add vodka - a saying that I imagine is easily applied to sex with someone who willingly drinks something that tastes like a puddle in order to fight off a case of the sniffles.


- Light mayonnaise:
I wouldn’t even worry about sex if I were you, just start by working on not being such an awful human. I’m not going to waste my time here - basically, if you eat light mayonnaise then you are shit and I hate you.




If you have your own thoughts on how the foods that people eat hints at their sexual prowess then please do share them with me - I will assume that they are either about you or someone that you’ve slept with and I will very much enjoy telling everyone that I know all about it.











* Which is exactly the phrase I have used to describe having sex with people who, almost proudly, claim that they don’t like sauces - any sauces.

** A review of sleeping with someone who enjoys wafer-thin ham, there.

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