Nick Clegg, Nigel Farage, Ed Miliband and I all have two things in common.
One, is our inexplicable but powerful sexual magnetism.
Two, is that we all quit our jobs this week.
This week was the week of the quitter, and whether you made cocky statements that later forced you out of your job, screwed up so bad that there was no coming back, suffered a humiliating defeat in front of an entire nation or just decided that you should probably be doing literally anything other than your current job, this week was the week to put it right, quit and call your mum to tell her to buy up all of the loungewear that Sainsbury’s has to offer, ‘cos you were gonna be needing that.
The great, daunting, and eventually mentally damaging, thing about quitting your job is that you are suddenly granted access to a shit tonne of free time. However, after you’ve stubbornly forced yourself to go for brunch for 13 consecutive weekdays, purely as a big FUCK YOU to all the other suckers who are working for The Man, and are sat staring at a plate of smoked salmon and cream cheese waffles with dead eyes, you’ll realise that you still have another 22 hours of the day to fill.
Well, don’t worry lads. Miliband, Clegg, Farage - we’re going to get through this together, and in my first act as self-appointed President of the Dirty Quitters Club I have compiled a list of all the stuff that you can do now that you’re unemployed. While my advice isn’t revolutionary, I have made it very easy to spot the exact the point where I became tired of this but forced myself to continue in order to be able to think of today as productive, therefore making this all charmingly relatable.
You’re welcome.
Learn a new skill
Now is the time for character building. To realise your dreams. To become the leading role in the movie of your own life. To do something that you’ve always wanted to do, but have always been too scared to try. To do something totally out there. Something different...
For me, it’s driving.
Quitting my job was my first step towards becoming a proper person, and I suppose this should be the second. I honestly can’t think of a better time than now, when in a month’s time I will have no stable income, to start something that is going to cost me at least a thousand pounds a year for the rest of my life.
Basically, I can’t put it off any longer, and if you think that getting public transport during rush hour is shit, try getting it at 3pm on a Thursday afternoon.
Also, I recently drove an automatic around a deserted car park at around 6 mph and the rush was un-be-fucking-lievable.
Get back into body scrubs
Honestly, a warming salt scrub will make you feel a thousand times better guys. You basically get new skin, whenever you want (Farage, please consult your GP before purchasing a scrub - I am assuming that you shed your skin once a year anyway, so anything extra may be risky for you.*), which is good when you’re current skin looks like uncooked sausage from where you have neglected it in favour of crawling into bed every night, feeling sad about what you had to do that day instead of implementing a strict body-brushing regime.
Pair this with a body lotion from Kiehl’s and make sure interviewers brush your arm - your skin will blow their mind and the job is yours.
Start doing something regularly and call it a hobby
I have long thought that hobbies are for annoying people, and people who lied on their online dating profile about what they’re into but are so taken with the person that they’ve been on three dates with that they’ve had to hurriedly take up kayaking.
However, I now have a lot of time for hobbies, literally, and I’ve given quite a lot of serious thought about what mine is going to be - I think I’ve finally decided.
I’m going to take up freaking out about leaving a stable job and telling myself that I am totally out of my depth by trying to go freelance whilst eating paprika flavoured Ruffles, the greatest crisps of all time.
Sort your shit out
Apparently, you can’t think properly about what you want to do with your life if you have loads of stuff. Stuff ruins everything, and according to pretty much every Google result that comes up if you Google ‘Things to do when you’re unemployed’, the only way you’re going to better yourself and, more importantly, earn money again is by giving at least 63% of your stuff away.
This means you’ll have to put everything you own into categories that suggest how much you want to value it, and if popular culture is to be believed, then this is the perfect time to invite your friends round, pop open the Prosecco and, like the feeding of the five thousand, share one box of MatchMakers between all four of you for the entirety of the 56 hours that it will take for you to decide that, actually, you want to keep all of your stuff.
Top Life Hack Tip - have an empty cupboard or chest ready to shove everything in to when you realise that you’ve been doing this for the whole of the second Sex and the City movie and you’ve only managed to categorise your underwear into ‘thongs and g-strings’, ‘matching sets’, ‘shorts’ and ‘period’, and the rest of everything else that you own is all over your bed.
Read more
Every 6 seconds, someone, somewhere, says that they want to read more.
Click.
Feel guilty about everything you spend money on
It’s really important that you do this, as if you don’t, other people will make you. Up until the second week of unemployment, everything is a #cheeky treat - after that, it’s all an unnecessary expense. Interview clothes? Surely you’ve already got something. A Boots meal deal? Pretty sure there’s a fridge full of food at home. Tampons? A frivolous luxury, you flash cow.
Who’s paying for that bottle of Ice Tea, huh? The taxpayer, that’s who! Doesn’t matter if you’re not making a weekly trip to your local job centre to sign on, suddenly every news item is about how much money unemployed people are sucking from the country and you, my friend, are now part of the problem. Don’t you dare enjoy yourself.
It’s easy to feel deflated, bleak and like a total fucking waster when you’re unemployed, but, above all, remember that something will come along.
As long as you’re not a soul-less, toupee-wearing Pepperami, a drip who fucked everything he was supposed to believe in or a man unable of eating anything without looking like a cat who has a hair stuck on its tongue then something will totally come along.
One, is our inexplicable but powerful sexual magnetism.
Two, is that we all quit our jobs this week.
This week was the week of the quitter, and whether you made cocky statements that later forced you out of your job, screwed up so bad that there was no coming back, suffered a humiliating defeat in front of an entire nation or just decided that you should probably be doing literally anything other than your current job, this week was the week to put it right, quit and call your mum to tell her to buy up all of the loungewear that Sainsbury’s has to offer, ‘cos you were gonna be needing that.
The great, daunting, and eventually mentally damaging, thing about quitting your job is that you are suddenly granted access to a shit tonne of free time. However, after you’ve stubbornly forced yourself to go for brunch for 13 consecutive weekdays, purely as a big FUCK YOU to all the other suckers who are working for The Man, and are sat staring at a plate of smoked salmon and cream cheese waffles with dead eyes, you’ll realise that you still have another 22 hours of the day to fill.
Well, don’t worry lads. Miliband, Clegg, Farage - we’re going to get through this together, and in my first act as self-appointed President of the Dirty Quitters Club I have compiled a list of all the stuff that you can do now that you’re unemployed. While my advice isn’t revolutionary, I have made it very easy to spot the exact the point where I became tired of this but forced myself to continue in order to be able to think of today as productive, therefore making this all charmingly relatable.
You’re welcome.
Learn a new skill
Now is the time for character building. To realise your dreams. To become the leading role in the movie of your own life. To do something that you’ve always wanted to do, but have always been too scared to try. To do something totally out there. Something different...
For me, it’s driving.
Quitting my job was my first step towards becoming a proper person, and I suppose this should be the second. I honestly can’t think of a better time than now, when in a month’s time I will have no stable income, to start something that is going to cost me at least a thousand pounds a year for the rest of my life.
Basically, I can’t put it off any longer, and if you think that getting public transport during rush hour is shit, try getting it at 3pm on a Thursday afternoon.
Also, I recently drove an automatic around a deserted car park at around 6 mph and the rush was un-be-fucking-lievable.
Get back into body scrubs
Honestly, a warming salt scrub will make you feel a thousand times better guys. You basically get new skin, whenever you want (Farage, please consult your GP before purchasing a scrub - I am assuming that you shed your skin once a year anyway, so anything extra may be risky for you.*), which is good when you’re current skin looks like uncooked sausage from where you have neglected it in favour of crawling into bed every night, feeling sad about what you had to do that day instead of implementing a strict body-brushing regime.
Pair this with a body lotion from Kiehl’s and make sure interviewers brush your arm - your skin will blow their mind and the job is yours.
Start doing something regularly and call it a hobby
I have long thought that hobbies are for annoying people, and people who lied on their online dating profile about what they’re into but are so taken with the person that they’ve been on three dates with that they’ve had to hurriedly take up kayaking.
However, I now have a lot of time for hobbies, literally, and I’ve given quite a lot of serious thought about what mine is going to be - I think I’ve finally decided.
I’m going to take up freaking out about leaving a stable job and telling myself that I am totally out of my depth by trying to go freelance whilst eating paprika flavoured Ruffles, the greatest crisps of all time.
Sort your shit out
Apparently, you can’t think properly about what you want to do with your life if you have loads of stuff. Stuff ruins everything, and according to pretty much every Google result that comes up if you Google ‘Things to do when you’re unemployed’, the only way you’re going to better yourself and, more importantly, earn money again is by giving at least 63% of your stuff away.
This means you’ll have to put everything you own into categories that suggest how much you want to value it, and if popular culture is to be believed, then this is the perfect time to invite your friends round, pop open the Prosecco and, like the feeding of the five thousand, share one box of MatchMakers between all four of you for the entirety of the 56 hours that it will take for you to decide that, actually, you want to keep all of your stuff.
Top Life Hack Tip - have an empty cupboard or chest ready to shove everything in to when you realise that you’ve been doing this for the whole of the second Sex and the City movie and you’ve only managed to categorise your underwear into ‘thongs and g-strings’, ‘matching sets’, ‘shorts’ and ‘period’, and the rest of everything else that you own is all over your bed.
Read more
Every 6 seconds, someone, somewhere, says that they want to read more.
Click.
Feel guilty about everything you spend money on
It’s really important that you do this, as if you don’t, other people will make you. Up until the second week of unemployment, everything is a #cheeky treat - after that, it’s all an unnecessary expense. Interview clothes? Surely you’ve already got something. A Boots meal deal? Pretty sure there’s a fridge full of food at home. Tampons? A frivolous luxury, you flash cow.
Who’s paying for that bottle of Ice Tea, huh? The taxpayer, that’s who! Doesn’t matter if you’re not making a weekly trip to your local job centre to sign on, suddenly every news item is about how much money unemployed people are sucking from the country and you, my friend, are now part of the problem. Don’t you dare enjoy yourself.
It’s easy to feel deflated, bleak and like a total fucking waster when you’re unemployed, but, above all, remember that something will come along.
As long as you’re not a soul-less, toupee-wearing Pepperami, a drip who fucked everything he was supposed to believe in or a man unable of eating anything without looking like a cat who has a hair stuck on its tongue then something will totally come along.
* On second thoughts, risk it.
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