Stuff I watched on TV when I was too young to watch it on TV

I first got a TV in my bedroom when I was 12, and I'm pretty sure that's where all of my life's problems started.

It was my birthday and whilst I was downstairs sitting on the sofa with my knees up to hide the fact that I had a bit of boobs from my family and opening cards (cards first, presents afterwards – that’s just good manners), my dad had crept upstairs to balance the 'ice blue' TV and Video Combi precariously on my chest of drawers. 

This in itself was unusual, because we don’t really do ‘big present reveals’ in my family but now that I am older and can 1) roughly estimate the cost of an Ice Blue TV and Video Combi at the time and 2)have a greater understanding of our financial situation at the time, I think that the 'big reveal' had more to do with the fact that my dad had most likely bought the TV second hand somewhere and didn't have the box for it. 

I loved it regardless. I could finally watch all of the stuff that everyone else at school was allowed to watch in the living room, alongside their parents, because seriously, how bad could it be?

Turns out, this bad.

Crimewatch

First shout out goes to Crimewatch, as it was because of Nick Ross and his merry bunch of E-fits that I was awake to watch all of the other stuff in this list.

I would like to start of by saying that I didn't even watch Crimewatch on my own tiny TV - this whole thing was down to irresponsible parenting, and a great display of anti-bedtime related cunning by me.

I used to do this thing where I would pretend to fall asleep on the sofa, just so that my dad would carry me to bed. I have tried it with boyfriends since and no, doesn’t work, so don't bother - they literally just leave you there, and go off to bed where they will lie diagonally across the mattress. Anyway, because I was so good at sleep acting, I would end up being left there for a while and my parents would watch stuff on the TV that they wouldn't have watched if I was awake. In this instance, it was Crimewatch.

Listening to Crimewatch once a week embedded in me the incessant, gnawing fear that we are all just one second away from something awful happening to us. When I was 12, and was only aware of one ninety-sixth of the bad things that could actually happen to us at any moment, my main concern was that were going to be burgled and my dad would be beaten with some kind of sporting equipment (cricket bat, golf club etc).

In my self-imposed role as house security, I would lie away for hours into the night (until approx 10:25pm, I would now guess), listening for any noise that

could suggest we were going to be burgled by Diadora wearing, but surprisingly well spoken, men who would punch my dad and take our stuff.

Never happened, of course, but I feel like it will now that I've written this.

Luke From Hollyoaks being raped

I'm pretty sure that 74% of Hollyoaks Late Night's audience was made up of children, lured by the naive title and the promise that Hollyoaks people would most likely swear at each other, as opposed to calling each other 'cows' or 'idiots', which was the most you could get away with at 6:30pm, even on Channel 4. With that in mind, I think the progressive and sensitively handled Luke From Hollyoaks gets raped story line was a little lost on most of us.

Not helped by the fact that I had most of the episode on mute because I was scared my mum would hear, I understood about 3% of what was happening. I remember actually thinking that this gang of men were going to wee on him, which disturbed me no end. Thankfully, this was before I had broadband and a computer that wasn't in the middle of the lounge and the innocence of Encarta kept me in the dark about what exactly 'rape' was for another two years.

The next day at school we covered all the big issues, with much conversation being devoted to the fact that you saw Luke from Hollyoaks' bum in the shower - albeit when he was manically scrubbing at this skin and sobbing, traumatised by what had just happened to him. 

Looking back, I think I had the same amount of indifference towards guys' arses then as I do now, but it seemed like something that grown up women would discuss on their lunch break (much of what we'd learned about grown up women being gleaned from snatches of Loose Women that we saw when we off sick), so we forced ourselves to talk about it in hushed but flirty tones, like we were in a highly insensitive Diet Coke ad.

Showgirls

I thought it was going to be a film about dancing, and by Jove, was it a film about dancing. I fell asleep before the end, but the opening featured about thirteen bare boobs, so I knew it was something that I shouldn't have been been watching, hence why I forced myself to watch it – this would provide great playground chat the next day. 

The most vivid memory that I have of watching that film is the pool sex scene.
I didn't understand much about sex at the time, and wasn't entirely sure that's what I was actually seeing, but I didn't question it. 

Now that I am 24, I am questioning it. Despite what liars and bullshitters say, pool sex is terrible, and if you're lucky will end with underwhelmed smiles and if you're not will end in you fucking your data charges whilst Googling what Spanish is for cranberry juice is.  

The pool sex in Showgirls is really ridiculous pool sex. Like, literally no one working on that film even tried to make that scene in anyway realistic, least of all the actors involved. I mean, I’ve had sex- I’ve had good sex and I’ve had amazing sex, but I’ve never had sex that illicits the reaction that Elizabeth Berkley (who previously I'd only ever seen in Saved By The Bell, in which she was much, much more wholesome) enacts in this scene and I don’t think that I will, unless I ever sleep with a guy whose penis doubles up as an electric cattle prod, and I’m fine with that. 

Casualty

I have long suspected that once popular BBC hospital drama series, Casualty, is the biggest contributor to soaring diagnoses of anxiety within my generation. We all watched it because the fact that it was on past 9pm and we were allowed to watch it made it seem like The fucking Wire. The story lines from Casualty seeped into my brain at weekly intervals, and gradually worked away at telling my innocent, best-believing child brain to fear everything and that even the most benign household item could cause a slow, painful death. Laundry baskets, novelty bread bins on high shelves, a lone AA battery and that doe-eyed bastard Henry the Hoover - they will all result in a subdural hematoma. 

Casualty basically taught me to fear everything. I mean, I get it, Casualty writers. There is little drama to be found in realistic A&E scenarios; a doctor and a nurse who have engaged in an on-off relationship for the past three years are not going to be reminded of what really matters (that’s love, apparently) over a girl who cut the bottom of her leg after trying to cut the straps of her shoes with a bread knife as she was too drunk to undo the buckle. That won’t get you a second series, sure, but how about exercising a little responsibility, huh? To this day I am still terrified of curtain ties and of accidentally hanging myself with one after tripping over toys that my mum kept telling me to put away. 

Other things I learnt from Casualty were, 1) never hang up disco lights at your local community centre - at best you will end up in a coma and 2) healthcare professionals could not care less about you - they are just waiting for you to leave/die/their shift to end so that they can shag each other. 

Graham Norton

I have always loved Graham Norton. He is funny and bitchy, without being mean - a quality which I have yet to crack the ratio off. I would like him to adopt me - something that I'm quite convinced is going to happen at some point, as how can anyone be happy without children?

I stumbled across So Graham Norton one night and never looked back. If you could watch this show openly as an adult then stick a cigarette in my mouth and plonk me on a sunbed, because I was totally up for aging.

Most of what I saw on So Graham Norton has melted away over time, but I definitely remember seeing a woman play a flute with her vagina. It baffled me then and, despite having a much better relationship with my own area now than I did aged twelve, when it's mere existence mortified me, it baffles me now. 

I don't think I will ever be old enough to see that and not feel totally confused.