How to swear Letts; A guide for girls.

Upon reading the title of Quentin Letts’ latest article, “Why do female stars swear so much? Pass the carbolic soap”, I promised myself that I wouldn’t write about it. Too easy, I thought. In fact, being too easy, if my foul mouth is anything to go by, is apparently something that the article and I have in common, so that’s kinda neat.

However, seeing as I am without a modicum of self-control – again, something that my constant effing and blinding is testament to according to Quentin, I just couldn’t resist.

Am I going to mock his bitchy opening paragraphs? Am I going to point out the hypocrisy of a man who only gets called on This Morning to go through the day’s papers when hateful-gammon man Kelvin MacKenzie is busy using a few lines in his deliberately provocative article to say that Keira Knightley only swears because she is anxious to be discussed? Am I going to ask Quentin whether he actually wrote the majority of that article ten years ago, as the line “Oh no, Mirren is doing her Vicky Pollard routine again” would lead me to believe?

No. No I am not. Instead, I am going to be helpful.

I for one could really do without Quentin Letts shoving his carbolic soap in my mouth, so I turned to Google (as you can see, I didn’t turn to it for very long) for some pointers on how to stop swearing. Ladies, take note.

1. Swear Jar
Let’s start with the classic – the swear jar. For those who’ve never worked in an office in the early nineties, or don’t possess the shrewd power of deduction afforded to only the very best ITV detectives and can’t crack its enigmatic name, the Swear Jar is a jar that you put money in whenever you swear. The price of a swear word can be up to you (flat rate or sliding scale depending on the severity of the profanity, you can have a lot of fun with this) and there is absolutely no one there to enforce payment, so the whole thing works brilliantly.

Now, I understand that a washed out Marmite pot is not the most aesthetically pleasing item to sit on your desk, so why not make a girls night out of customising your swear jars? I’m seeing Echo Falls, glitter pens, ribbons, zig-zag scissors and a whole lotta fun.

If you do choose this option, depending on how filthy your mouth really is, you can rack up quite a few princess pennies – shoe fund, AMIRIGHT GIRLS?

2. Elastic band
A slightly more controversial method offered up by Wikihow is one in which you wear an elastic band around your wrist and snap it against your skin every time you swear. If 50 Shades of Grey (in fact, given the take-home message of that book and the fact that the film is soon to be released, I’m seeing a BIG merchandise opportunity here) is your bag, then this could prove to be incredibly effective, because, yeah – OUCHIES, but it’s not a particularly chic option, is it?
For the fashion conscious female who’s looking for a more stylish anti-swearing solution then why not try a Pandora bracelet adorned with savagely bejeweled charms?

3. Fill your mouth
If all else fails, keep your mouth busy. If your face hole is full of stuff then you’re not going to be able to speak, let alone swear – unless you’re particularly uncouth, so if you’re feel like you’re about to swear, shove something in your mouth. Suggestions include – macaroons, yoghurts to ease bloating, cake pops and penises.

It’s worth mentioning here that, if you’re reading this in your council house and your response was “You can fuck right off”, then that is fine – Quentin is ok with that. His real issue seems to be that “beautiful blooms” (a phrase that does nothing but make him sound like a serial killer that carves a flower into his victims’ foot, or dries their skin into petals or something) like Dame Helen, Keira Knightley and Kate Winslett are making themselves appear to be working class, or uneducated trollops, as he so eloquently puts it.

So, if you’re less beautiful bloom, and more yellow dandelion then you can swear all you like – Quentin couldn’t give a fuck.