Annoying things people say to you when you can’t drive…

I can’t drive. I’ve never had a lesson. I didn’t think anyone would really care, but apparently they do. So, as I’m the only person alive that can’t legally (or illegally, I honestly wouldn’t have a clue where to start) operate a vehicle, I thought I’d let the rest of you know the kind of annoying things that people say to you when you can’t drive.

These are those things-

- “That wouldn’t have happened if you could drive…”
This was said to me a couple of weeks ago, about 3 days after I’d been mugged. I was sitting there, with a bruise the shape of a shoe on my thigh and a sore patch on my arm where I’d tried to scrub the mugger’s spit off me too vigorously and someone was saying that it wouldn’t have happened if I’d learned to drive. They’re right, of course, nothing bad ever happens to people in cars.

My first imagined response to that statement was “FUCK. YOU. My leg hurts and I miss my handbag and you are not making me feel better, so just fuck the fuck off.”

My second imagined response was to say “You are SO right. I’m going to learn to drive RIGHT now, cancel all of my meetings I’m taking the week off. Actually, tell you what, I’m gonna learn to drive so well that I’ll drive myself back in time and pick myself up from the train station so that I don’t get mugged.”

My third imagine response was to share a story that me and one of my girlfriends refer to as ‘That Time Those Guys Got Out Of Their Car And Threatened To Rape Us’. I think the title actually gives the plot away, but I’ll sum it up- my friend and I were driving around one night and a group of men in another car felt that we had wronged them at some point, on the road (I don’t know what we’d done because I DON’T DRIVE), and so they swerved in front of us to make us pull over and then got out of their car, surrounded our car and started banging on the windows. When I tried my best to be all tough and told them to piss off,  one of them said “We could fucking rape you two, if we wanted.” So yeah, cars are totally safe.

My actual response was “Yeah, I know.”

-“Did you just, like, not want to drive?”
No, I desperately wanted to drive, just like everyone else wants to drive as soon as they turn seventeen, but it took me 3 months to save up for my provisional license- hopefully that gives you a little insight into my family’s financial situation at the time.

I then lived in Brighton for four years. Brighton is a city that’s great at loads of stuff, but they make it very, very difficult for you to have a car down there. Plus walking everywhere made me feel fine about eating toasties at least once a day for four months during my dissertation.

I then moved home because I was broke, so we’re back to the money thing again.

I want to learn to drive, yes, but I also want to move back into my own place and not be in a massive overdraft and buy stuff that will make me look nice.

- “Oh, yeah, you’d be a great driver…”
This is normally said when we’re talking about driving and I either say something irrational in an attempt to be funny or I trip over/drop something.
If the fact that I don’t drive bothers you, then comments like this are not going to make me learn to drive.

- “Guys prefer girls who can drive.”
Oh, fucking hell, do they? That changes everything. Someone get me the number for a driving school PRONTO.


Clearly, there is one thing here that annoyed me more than the rest, but they’re all pretty irritating. I am aware that knowing how to drive is an important thing to know. I want to know it and I will know it, soon. So just give me a bloody break, ok? I’m on it.