Celebrity Big Brother - Launch Night

It's been around 6 hours since the last series of Celebrity Big Brother ended, so of course, it's time for the next one! The start of each series fills me with hope and enthusiasm, a little like the start of the new year. However, I usually give up after a couple of weeks; again, like the start of the new year.
As is tradition now, CBB launch night was stretched over a two hour slot, when it could have fit comfortably within an hour and fifteen minutes. Although, dragging things out does seem to be an ongoing theme within CBB; whether it's the career of the housemates, a poorly thought-out theme, or the series itself.
However, I am BB until I die (or the series does) and cleared my Friday night in order to live tweet the crap out of launch night. Here are my thoughts, freed from the constraints of 140 characters...

The show began with the obligatory house tour, lead by the unstoppably-beautiful Emma Willis. The décor is predictably gaudy and the diary room chair looks like something that Liberace threw out for being a little too tacky.
Jim Davidson & Linda Nolan
We finally get to meet our first housemate; it's Jim Davidson. Jim fucking Davidson. The second his suspiciously pink, squidgy face flashes onto the screen I instantly worry about what each episode will do to my blood pressure. Jim says that lots of people shout “There's that sexist, racist, homophobic comedian!”; I would suggest that next time they save themselves some breath and just shout “There's Jim Davidson”, as I find the two terms to be completely synonymous.
Jim also keeps mentioning how he missed out on appearing in the last series of CBB due to his arrest as part of Operation Yewtree; a little like how if someone has a spot on their face they mention it at every opportunity, in an effort to head you at the off.
It's at this point that The Twist is revealed; you know, the twist that they crowbar into every single series? Word on the street is that the latest twist was inspired by 50 Shades of Grey, only two years after everyone lost their knickers over it. The housemates are to enter the house in pairs, shackled together by an exaggerated pair of gold handcuffs. As always, the first two housemates in are given a Special Power; they can choose one pair to de-cuff at the end of the night.
Jim's new buddy is revealed to be Linda Nolan. Apparently they have some history; Jim once got Linda thrown out of a club and she hates him. Of course, when they see each other it's all smiles and kisses and off they trot into the house together.
Dappy & Liz Jones
The next housemate we meet is Dappy; the guy in the hat from N-Dubz. I know he's a bit of a dick, or a lot of a dick if you've seen that picture, but I think he'll be a great housemate. Anyone who's seen his infamous Never Mind The Buzzcocks appearances will know that he's pretty bloody funny, whether to laugh at or with.
Dappy is paired up with Daily Mail 'journalist' and sacked Marie Claire editor Liz Jones. It's at this point that in the show that I become suspicious that producers have tapped into my brain and have deliberately found housemates that already really piss me off. Liz says that as a result of giving bad reviews she has been banned from major fashion shows, like Victoria Beckham and Burberry. Perhaps if I get her to write a bad review of me, which shouldn't be too difficult as I am 1) a woman and 2) 23, I can ban her from my life too?
Sam Faiers & Jasmine Waltz
Our next pairing is Sam Faiers, who has made a career out of being from Essex, and Jasmine Waltz; a girl so un-famous that even my wealth of Z-List celebrity knowledge can't save her. Her most recent work includes hitting Lindsay Lohan.
They're both attractive, so obviously they will hate each other, right? I doubt it, they seem like nice girls, but that's clearly what the producers are hoping for.
Lee Ryan & Casey...Someone
Once they're in, Lee Ryan's gormless face fills the screen. Last year's series featured my first love Abz from 5ive and this series features my second love, Lee from Blue. He enjoys leaving socks in hotel rooms, apparently, so it's safe to say that my taste in men hasn't improved much in the last 13 years. But in case you were labouring under the false pretence that Lee is an idiot, he tells us of his concern for orphaned 'Badger Children', so it's clear to see that he's not afraid to tackle The Issues.
He's paired up with Casey...Someone; a glamour model. She foolishly declares that “gets 'em out”, so cue the boos!
Ollie Locke & Lionel Blair
The ninth housemate is Is-He-Isn't-He-He-Definitely-Is Made In Chelsea cast off Ollie Locke. He seems excitable, but harmless; kind of like a Labrador. He's one of those housemates with the potential to get quite far, but could end up being fucking boring.
He's been matched up with his long-lost Grandfather Lionel Blair. Expect tap dancing and impromptu singing. Or lots of sitting down, saying nothing of note.
Luissa Zissman & Evander Holyfield
Finally, we get to our last couple; Luissa Zissman and Evander Holyfield. Luissa seems desperate to make “energy of a Duracell bunny, brain's of Albert Einstein and looks of Jessica Rabbit” her 'thing' and has clearly enjoyed a few spritzas in the dressing room.
I know nothing about Evander Holyfield, other than he's the guy that Phoebe from Friends has a cardboard cut-out of to get her through the sexually charged months of her pregnancy.

So, there are our 12 housemates, although I'm sure they'll chuck some others in there at some point. And when they do, I will be right here to make snooty remarks about them. If you actually watch the show then please drop me the occasional tweet; us CBB fans have gotta stick together.


P.S Jim and Linda chose Dappy and Liz to be un-cuffed. They cited Liz looking stressed as their reason, but I think that's just how Liz's face looks.