On bums - It's not in your ass, it's in your mind.

This week, I’ve been thinking about my arse, mainly. Probably thought about yours too, if I’m honest, because bums are, literally, a huge deal right now.

A fortnight ago it was Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda and this week it was Jennifer Lopez’s Booty -  whether it’s an arse rubbing against what I can only assume is the set of ITV’s popular children’s game show Jungle Run or an arse having a shit tonne of lube poured all over it, arses are really around right now.

As someone who got given a regular-sized* portion of ass in the chippy of creation, the recent focus on the rear end could, er, bum me out. We all know that, officially, there can only be one preferred body type for women to adhere to at any one time and at the moment it’s a body that I can only get if I do a Minaj and buy it or do what Iggy Azalea (or Iggy Iggs, as she seems insistent on calling herself right now) says she doesn’t do and rep so many squats that everyday, when I get to the stairs at work, I have to just throw myself down them, as that’s much less painful than walking down them in the grip of DOMS.

Should I be pissed off that Nicki Minaj says “fuck you skinny bitches” whilst in a hot tub? Should I be, er, butt-hurt that Jennifer Lopez  ‘wrote’ a song that, with all of the sophistication of a poem written by an average child in Key Stage Two, tells us how desirable a woman with a huge butt is? Should I start stuffing my jeans with Tena Lady maxi-pads? Should I bake that Camembert with rosemary and eat the whole thing to myself, then stay standing for 7 hours so that the fat goes straight to my ass?

Whilst I am prepared to consider doing the third option, I’m also gonna pass on all three for now, because I’m not a skinny bitch. I’m, to quote 2 Chainz, a big booty hoe. Kinda.

Because, here’s the secret -  you can act like a big booty bitch, or whatever, even if your buns have recently been judged to be insufficiently sized by a passing anaconda.

It’s all in the mind, mate.

I could’ve spent 1000 words defining what makes someone a skinny bitch and what makes someone a big booty bitch, or saying something intelligent about feminism and sexuality and race and stereotypes and stuff, but my mind is too full of ass, so, at risk of sounding like a late night episode of Sesame Street, I’ll just say this – to act like you have a big booty just do whatever you want. Dance how you want, dress how you want, sleep with who you want and say what you want.

Having a big arse is associated with the following character traits, apparently – sexy, powerful, sexual, sassy, highly sexed, intimidating and literally having sex all of the time, butt, obviously, all of these characteristics have fuck all to do with the size of any part of your anatomy. There just there, on the shelf, waiting for you to adopt them.

To me, a skinny bitch is a person who’s wearing an outfit that they’re uncomfortable in, in a place that they’re uncomfortable in, in a mind that they’re uncomfortable in and the only thing that they do feel comfortable about is taking it out on everyone else. So yeah, fuck them.  

Really, the whole thing is a bit like ‘being ballsy’. I do not have actual testicles. When I cross my legs, nothing gets trapped. If you kick me between the legs it will hurt because you’ve kicked me, not because something has just gone back into my body. There have, though, been times in my life when I have acted like I ‘have balls’ – i.e I have been assertive and powerful; all things that are good and are therefore, however problematically, associated with the essence of male that is the gonad, something that I do not ‘technically’ have.

So, if I can act like I have balls, why can’t I act like I have a big ass?

* For reference, my bum is a medium, I would say. You couldn’t rest a pint on it, or park a bike in it, or whatever other everyday tasks people hypothesise about doing to women’s arses over a pint, but I can shut a door by jutting my bum out by the slightest fraction, without the door making any contact with my back, so there – hopefully that gives you some idea of the size of what I’m working with.